It never fails, every time I've farted in an office situation a female co-worker decides that's the appropriate moment to ask me a long winded (no pun intended) question. I had been sitting at my desk without one person talking to me ALL DAY, I finally rip one and then this gal decides it's time to talk to me about the new Avatar trailer. I couldn't care less about the trailer even if I wasn't surrounded by a green cloud.
I call this the Gaseous Murphy's Law. If something bad can happen in my pants, it will and everyone will catch me.
Any stories yourself?
Some recent headlines:
Balloon Boy was a popular costume this Halloween. Interestingly, the Heene's dressed as a NORMAL family.
Adam Lambert and his boyfriend have split up. Of course this means a new reality show staring Lambert and Gosselin: Kate Plus Dead-weight.
Jay Leno says he'd return to The Tonight Show if NBC asked. Hey Jay, no one's asking!
Today's Video-Exercise isn't always worth it:
Next time: Best Holidays. What's your favorite? Leave in the comment section below.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Wedgie Story
Sorry readers (or should I say "reader") for the long delay in writing. It got kinda busy around here on the comedy scene. Lots of shows (check one out if you haven't been to one in awhile or ever). Besides my normal bookings I started hosting a new show in Harlem as well as the return of The Living Room in Brooklyn.
Okay, now the wedgie story:
I had a nemesis in elementary school. His name is Justin. He was the popular cool kid. He didn't like nerds or fat kids and I was both. From Kindergarten on he was always nasty to me--always trying to make me feel like I wasn't worthy of breathing the same air as his highness.
We did our best to stay away from each other. He didn't go out of his way to pick on me, that would mean he'd have to acknowledge my existence, but he made his feelings well known when able.
This changed in 6th grade. We both had a mutual friend for once, Ben. Ben was one of those free spirits who'd be friends with anybody. He was a cool kid but didn't care if you were or not. He just wanted to have fun. He and his brothers were the wild boys and they lived a couple doors down from Justin and therefore they hung out a lot. Ben had befriended me, so we played together a few days a week. For the first time out of our seven years together, Justin and I were forced into the same social situations. At first he didn't hide his disdain for me, but after awhile he eased up a bit. If Ben liked me, well then maybe I wasn't a complete dork.
Oh if only that could have lasted.
I finally had gotten to the point where Justin and I could have a discussion. Sure it usually consisted of him giving his opinion on Michael Jordan or Ken Griffy Jr., me giving mine, and then scoffing and acting like I was a moron. But it was a start--things were moving in the right direction.
Then on a fateful Saturday afternoon we were all playing freeze-tag. We played for an hour or s0--just long enough to get bored with it. Then a wrestling match began, because that's what boys do when they get bored with freeze-tag. Now when boys wrestle it often turns into gang up on the fat kid and do something embarrassing to him. This time it was wedgie day. As Justin, Ben, and the other wild boys teamed up on me, pinned me down, and yanked my underwear to the moon I heard loud screeches of laughter. I knew wedgie laughter, trust me any fat kid who's gone through a day in gym class knows those laughs. This was different. Then the comment I will never forget, "He's wearing Big Foot Underoos!" My usual embarrassment gave way to utter horror. I was wearing Underoos with a picture of Big Foot, the monster truck. Underoos were a social death sentence in 4th grade, let alone 6th!
I don't remember what happened next. I think I blacked out and have repressed the memories of the events immediately following the wedgie. I do however know the consequences. Justin never spoke a word to me again--not even a word of hate. I ceased to exist. If I was in a room he looked through me like a pane of glass. All the way through High School not one more word, even to this day.
I don't know what happened to Justin, Facebook and Myspace haven't provided much. All I can hope for is that some day he comes to a show and when he does I'll say, "Hey I'm still wearing the Big Foot Underoos--it's called being a hipster, I was just ahead of my time."
Okay, I saw these guys on Sunday:
Next: We'll talk about office farts. Got any stories?
Okay, now the wedgie story:
I had a nemesis in elementary school. His name is Justin. He was the popular cool kid. He didn't like nerds or fat kids and I was both. From Kindergarten on he was always nasty to me--always trying to make me feel like I wasn't worthy of breathing the same air as his highness.
We did our best to stay away from each other. He didn't go out of his way to pick on me, that would mean he'd have to acknowledge my existence, but he made his feelings well known when able.
This changed in 6th grade. We both had a mutual friend for once, Ben. Ben was one of those free spirits who'd be friends with anybody. He was a cool kid but didn't care if you were or not. He just wanted to have fun. He and his brothers were the wild boys and they lived a couple doors down from Justin and therefore they hung out a lot. Ben had befriended me, so we played together a few days a week. For the first time out of our seven years together, Justin and I were forced into the same social situations. At first he didn't hide his disdain for me, but after awhile he eased up a bit. If Ben liked me, well then maybe I wasn't a complete dork.
Oh if only that could have lasted.
I finally had gotten to the point where Justin and I could have a discussion. Sure it usually consisted of him giving his opinion on Michael Jordan or Ken Griffy Jr., me giving mine, and then scoffing and acting like I was a moron. But it was a start--things were moving in the right direction.
Then on a fateful Saturday afternoon we were all playing freeze-tag. We played for an hour or s0--just long enough to get bored with it. Then a wrestling match began, because that's what boys do when they get bored with freeze-tag. Now when boys wrestle it often turns into gang up on the fat kid and do something embarrassing to him. This time it was wedgie day. As Justin, Ben, and the other wild boys teamed up on me, pinned me down, and yanked my underwear to the moon I heard loud screeches of laughter. I knew wedgie laughter, trust me any fat kid who's gone through a day in gym class knows those laughs. This was different. Then the comment I will never forget, "He's wearing Big Foot Underoos!" My usual embarrassment gave way to utter horror. I was wearing Underoos with a picture of Big Foot, the monster truck. Underoos were a social death sentence in 4th grade, let alone 6th!
I don't remember what happened next. I think I blacked out and have repressed the memories of the events immediately following the wedgie. I do however know the consequences. Justin never spoke a word to me again--not even a word of hate. I ceased to exist. If I was in a room he looked through me like a pane of glass. All the way through High School not one more word, even to this day.
I don't know what happened to Justin, Facebook and Myspace haven't provided much. All I can hope for is that some day he comes to a show and when he does I'll say, "Hey I'm still wearing the Big Foot Underoos--it's called being a hipster, I was just ahead of my time."
Okay, I saw these guys on Sunday:
Next: We'll talk about office farts. Got any stories?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Batman pt. 2
It's 3rd grade and I desperately want to be cool and fit in. I'm a chubby kid ("husky" as they say in 1989). Spencer is the star of the class. He's one of those kids that hit puberty way too early. A foot taller than everyone; starts shaving at 10. He looked like Magnum P.I. in third grade!
Spencer frequently brings in music that no of us are supposed to listen to. 2 Live Crew is his choice of the day. He's passing around the tape and mentions how he wishes he had the Batman Soundtrack. All the other guys agree in unison! And then I say it, "I have the Batman tape." What did I just say? I see respect in everyone's eyes for the first time as they turn to me with envy. And then the fateful phrase uttered from Spencer's caveman lips, "Bring it in." "Oh sure, sure. Maybe next week," I say. "Tomorrow."
What else am I supposed to do--I bring it in the next day.
Now I wasn't a stupid kid, just a bit naive. To me, a Batman tape with a cool Batman song and an actor voicing the words to an attached comic book was the coolest thing. To a kid that was throwing around 2 Live Crew and Guns N' Roses, that was lamer than bringing in a signed autograph from Mr. Belvedere.
The disappointment on their faces was evident. The worst part though was how Spencer just dismissed me from then on. I'd never be cool in his eyes.
Flash forward 20 years--he's in jail now, and I just bought the Batman Soundtrack a week ago. Suck it Spencer--I am cool!
Couple Headlines:
Rick Pitino rebuked the media for being "irresponsible." Yeah, the media's not responsible like you were when you cheated on your wife and paid for the woman's abortion.
Rick Pitino slammed the media. Guess he forgot that HE'S the sleazeball.
Madonna was booed on her tour for speaking out against Gypsy discrimination. At least it wasn't for her music this time.
Madonna's new cause is Gypsy discrimination? Are gypsies even real? I thought they were only in Grimm's fairy tales.
Thank goodness Madonna speaking out for a noble cause like Gypsy hatred. Think she'll adopt one now?
If I owned this in 1989 I'd have been cool?:
Next time: The wedgie story or the office fart. Which story would you like to hear? Leave your pick in the comments!
Spencer frequently brings in music that no of us are supposed to listen to. 2 Live Crew is his choice of the day. He's passing around the tape and mentions how he wishes he had the Batman Soundtrack. All the other guys agree in unison! And then I say it, "I have the Batman tape." What did I just say? I see respect in everyone's eyes for the first time as they turn to me with envy. And then the fateful phrase uttered from Spencer's caveman lips, "Bring it in." "Oh sure, sure. Maybe next week," I say. "Tomorrow."
What else am I supposed to do--I bring it in the next day.
Now I wasn't a stupid kid, just a bit naive. To me, a Batman tape with a cool Batman song and an actor voicing the words to an attached comic book was the coolest thing. To a kid that was throwing around 2 Live Crew and Guns N' Roses, that was lamer than bringing in a signed autograph from Mr. Belvedere.
The disappointment on their faces was evident. The worst part though was how Spencer just dismissed me from then on. I'd never be cool in his eyes.
Flash forward 20 years--he's in jail now, and I just bought the Batman Soundtrack a week ago. Suck it Spencer--I am cool!
Couple Headlines:
Rick Pitino rebuked the media for being "irresponsible." Yeah, the media's not responsible like you were when you cheated on your wife and paid for the woman's abortion.
Rick Pitino slammed the media. Guess he forgot that HE'S the sleazeball.
Madonna was booed on her tour for speaking out against Gypsy discrimination. At least it wasn't for her music this time.
Madonna's new cause is Gypsy discrimination? Are gypsies even real? I thought they were only in Grimm's fairy tales.
Thank goodness Madonna speaking out for a noble cause like Gypsy hatred. Think she'll adopt one now?
If I owned this in 1989 I'd have been cool?:
Next time: The wedgie story or the office fart. Which story would you like to hear? Leave your pick in the comments!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I'm Batman!
Part 1:
The year is 1989. I am in 3rd grade and Batman is THE COOLEST thing that has ever existed. I have the toys! I have the comics! I have the shirt! I even have the cereal! But something is missing, the soundtrack!
My mom often took me with her on trips to the store. Groceries were a weekly occurrence, every Friday to Cub Foods. About once a week we would stop by Big & Small Lots, F&M Drugstore, and Phar-mor.
(By the way, Cub, F&M, and Phar-mor are all extinct, and Big Lots dropped the "& small" from the name. Even the strip mall, Eastgate Consumer, in Indianapolis is dead an gone. Time to feel old?)
On one of these trips, I noticed a glimmer in the cassette tape section--yes, it was Batman! I had to have it! I beg my mother to please, please, PLEASE let me have it. She sees it is from Prince, and being the good Christian mother she is, I am denied. Instead I am given the Batman read-a-long comic book with it's own cassette tape. I see no difference. A Batman tape is a Batman tape. At least that's what I thought...
Now for a few headlines:
Brett Favre has decided to sign with the Vikings. He's out to break the record for most retirements in one season.
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has joined Dancing with the Stars. He's there to revitalize the spirit of the repressed Republican townspeople and get Rock 'n Roll back in time for the prom!
Paula Abdul is rethinking a return to American Idol. Who does she think she is, Brett Favre?
This is the only Batman movie my mom wanted me see:
Batman Soundtrack Part 2 tomorrow.
The year is 1989. I am in 3rd grade and Batman is THE COOLEST thing that has ever existed. I have the toys! I have the comics! I have the shirt! I even have the cereal! But something is missing, the soundtrack!
My mom often took me with her on trips to the store. Groceries were a weekly occurrence, every Friday to Cub Foods. About once a week we would stop by Big & Small Lots, F&M Drugstore, and Phar-mor.
(By the way, Cub, F&M, and Phar-mor are all extinct, and Big Lots dropped the "& small" from the name. Even the strip mall, Eastgate Consumer, in Indianapolis is dead an gone. Time to feel old?)
On one of these trips, I noticed a glimmer in the cassette tape section--yes, it was Batman! I had to have it! I beg my mother to please, please, PLEASE let me have it. She sees it is from Prince, and being the good Christian mother she is, I am denied. Instead I am given the Batman read-a-long comic book with it's own cassette tape. I see no difference. A Batman tape is a Batman tape. At least that's what I thought...
Now for a few headlines:
Brett Favre has decided to sign with the Vikings. He's out to break the record for most retirements in one season.
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has joined Dancing with the Stars. He's there to revitalize the spirit of the repressed Republican townspeople and get Rock 'n Roll back in time for the prom!
Paula Abdul is rethinking a return to American Idol. Who does she think she is, Brett Favre?
This is the only Batman movie my mom wanted me see:
Batman Soundtrack Part 2 tomorrow.
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