Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I ate Christmas

I ate a Christmas bulb ornament. No not this year! When I was 4. I was young but I wasn't stupid. I knew it wasn't a real apple, but I still thought it would be a good idea to take a bite out of it. I was using my imagination, however glass doesn't play pretend.
I calmly told my parents, "Father, Mother, I seem to have a shard of glass in my gums. Wouldn't you be so kind as to take me to the hospital."
Well like any set good hysterical parents they burned rubber to the local emergency room. Even though this was 1983 rual Missouri, the medical community was surprisingly slow. While waiting I finally got the glass out with my tongue. So in way I gave my dad what any parent wants, a big medical bill for absolutely no reason.
And because of this incident, our trees were shockingly bare for the first 4 feet and my dad still would only let me use a preschool train set when I was in Junior High.
Ah, warm Christmas memories.

Gotta love this video:

Next: How to ring in the New Year. How did you do it this year? Have a favorite one?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My apologies!

How time can get away from you when you're busy!
It's been a little over a month since I last wrote an entry.
I'll make up for it by posting my Green Jokes rejected by Letterman.
1. Republicans have gained unfair criticism for being anti-environment considering they’ve been running their party on wind for years.
2. On the heals of “An Inconvenient Truth,” Al Gore has just released “Our Choice” urging the public to make radical changes for the environment cautioning, “if we don’t change now, I’ll release another book.”
3. America finally got a wake up call about Global Warming this week when it was announce the Coca-Cola polar bear drowned due to ice cap melting.
4. Due to melting ice caps, Santa has been forced to move his workshop operations to India.
5. Climate change has wreaked havoc across the globe the past decade with a dramatic increase in temperatures, vast death of wild life, and increased frequency and destructive power of tropical storms. But on the plus side, Milwaukee is almost bearable in November.
6. Climate change has caused an increase in migratory wildlife patterns, causing some predatory animals to seek refuge in territories they don’t belong. In a related story, Sarah Palin has left Alaska to embark on her lower 48 book tour beginning Nov. 18.
7. With dozens of new green cars coming out ever year, the green initiative has found scores of new was for guys to not get dates. Once you go green, you’ll never be seen.
8. Hollywood is often ahead of the curve on environment affairs: Ms. Piggy went green years ago.
9. Biofuels are getting some criticism for harming the world’s corn supply. Luckily a new biofuel is being made out of a food supply nobody will miss: White Castle.
10. Al Gore decided to go with “Our Choice” as his next book rather than his original idea, “Livin’ La Vida Loca.”
11. California continues to lead the way in Green technology. In fact, Joan Rivers now runs on biofuel.
12. If the world wants to get rid of some green house gasses, I suggest we get my dad to stop ordering Dominos.
13. Trucking companies have been slow to adopt clean energy. Not surprising since they have been slow to adopt clean truckers.
14. Jay Leno is a big proponent of green cars, which is ironic considering his car collection accounts for nearly half of US emissions.
15. Beer makers are now able to recover nearly 50% of energy cost from leftovers. This is great news for Mel Gibson.
16. KFC has gone green; they’ve chosen to combine all their food into one slop bowl. Trust me, that’s turned a lot of people green.
17. China has declared that they will be leading the world in green energy. I don’t know about you, but when I think green, I think China.
18. Just to be clear China’s green world pledge excludes anything in their products that could kill your kids or pets.
19. A new study shows that Hillbillies are the greenest people; no electricity usage and their restroom is a bush.
20. Many big corporations are now going green. GM and Chrysler are doing their part by making sure none of their cars are on the road.
And in the spirit of Christmas:

Next time: It's Christmas story time! Got one of your own?