Thursday, January 17, 2008

Young Guns for hire

Cowboys Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett is being called about head coaching jobs. There has been a spurning of old coaches like Marty Schottenheimer in favor of young coaches.

This year Lane Kiffin is the youngest coach in NFL history. He’s done a great job the only concern is night games; he has to stop playing and go home when the street lights come on.

On the plus side, after practice he gets to go to the arcade with the Warren Sapp’s kids.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.

Hal Steinbrenner is continuing his “will he, won’t he” relationship with pitcher Johan Santana. Everyone knows the dynamic will be ruined if they actually get together. Yeah, we all know it’s going to happen, and then Hal will leave the Yankees to pursue a movie career, the team will be sold to the Lillian Corporation, and will be run by Kirstie Alley.

Some serious 'roids

McNamee claims in 1998, Roger Clemens developed an abscess on his… ummm... “behind” from alleged steroid use. Nobody else in the Toronto Blue Jays remembers this. Umm, maybe because no one else enjoyed Roger’s glutes quite as much as McNamee. He was so star struck with Roger, he had his photo taken with Clemens’ dark mole and a baseball card signed by a benign growth.

O Brother, where art thou?

Eli Manning is in the NFC Championship game for the first time in his career. It’s about time he lived up to his brother’s standard; he can choke in a game that means something and rip the hearts out of all his fans. (I'm just joshin' Peyton, you know I have a man crush on you).
And by the way, Eli needs to win. Let’s be honest, he’s not articulate like Tiki, so he can’t walk away from football for an analyst job. He can’t do funny commercials like his brother. The only thing he has a chance of doing is making a living at football. Unless of course there is a movie casting for a slack jawed yokel.

Let's make the Jets watchable again

Arkansas running back Darren McFadden has entered the NFL draft. Will he go number one? Nope. The can’t miss, bend you over his knee spank you, Jupiter high talent often gets passed up because he always seems to good to be true. “Should we draft Julius Peppers or Clinton Portis? Nah, David Carr has a mullet; let’s take him.”

So who drafts him? McFadden is a player the J-E-T-S should G-E-T, GET GET GET! Yeah, they have a fine running back in Thomas Jones. Add McFadden, and they’re next year’s Vikings. Think about what Minnesota did with a cod fish quarterbacking. The Vikes aren’t upset they have two fine running backs. It’s a win-win situation. Sure he has to leave his home state of Arkansas for the big city, but in exchange he gets indoor plumbing and the advent of electricity.

Corporal Punishment

Joakim Noah was spanked this week. He was benched an extra game by his teammates for yelling at a coach. They thought the 10 minutes of playing time he lost by missing the first game wasn’t enough punishment. Even though it hurts not having his 4 points per game in the lineup, he had to be taught a lesson. That’s what great players do, take their punishment like a man and come back better than ever. When he comes back, Noah may even break double digits in… well anything.

You know I can't quit you

Fans might as well forget about Isiah Thomas being fired. Jim Dolan is that guy that married way beneath his league. She embarrasses you everyday in public, is a horrible person, has no idea how to do her job, and yet you love her. Even if Dolan walked in on Isiah cheating on him with another owner he’d say, “We can work this out.”

Prediction: The Knicks will have a surprising win streak, winning 3 in a row. This will in turn cause Jim Dolan to reward Isiah Thomas with a 5 year extension and use of his private jet.

It's a Fat-Off!

The Eddy Curry-Zach Randolph experiment went over as well as two Louisiana Cajuns at an all you can eat buffet. Once they’re in the building, they’ll fight each other for the shrimp balls a drive away all the customers. Your only option, ban them from the boo-fay. Next up: fighting over the “Oliver Miller Award.”

El Presidente for life!

Isiah has pledged to stick with the job until he turns the Knicks around. He has plenty of former players spinning in their graves, isn’t that good enough? Isiah is great draft evaluator. Unfortunately for the entire city of New York, he’s in charge of everything else too. That’s like electing a President because he throws a great barbeque… oh wait, never mind. If the Knicks stripped him of all his duties except talent scout for the draft, Isiah could finally be good at his job for the first time since he retired from the Detroit Pistons.

Marbury joins the spurs

Stephon Marbury is having surgery to treat bone spurs in his ankles which may end his season. By the way, there’s no chance he’s having problems with his feet and ankles due to his use of the $15 Starbury sneaker. They are of course made of the finest cardboard and concrete available in that price range.