Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I love Thin Pig

I recently purchased Todd Glass' new album, "Thin Pig." I know a comedian strikes me when I laugh out loud uncontrollably and multiple times while riding on the subway. I even irritated my wife while listening to it on my iPod. I kept laughing while she was trying to do some work. That's like being in summer school and hearing the kids playing on the playground outside your classroom window.

Abbi said, "I like listening to comedy cds, but I find that a lot of contemporary comedians are visual, and it would be better to see them than hear the audience laugh at a face they're making. Mitch Hedberg made good listening albums."
Look at it this way, it's better to hear an ugly comedian than have to see them. Some comedians are more fun to watch than listen to, but sooo many make great albums. We're really in a bit of a Renaissance when it comes to comedy albums. The 80s and 90s had nowhere near the amount of albums the 60s, 70s, and today have.

Headlines are here to stay:

Eli Manning signed a new contract making him the highest paid player in the NFL. Unfortunetly all that money can't make his face look like a broke hill-billy.

Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol. In order to replace all of her wit, charm, and natural charisma the producers have decided to replace her with a block of cheddar cheese.

Jon and Kate returns, this time split up! Wow, seeing two overweight small town rubes return to the dating scene, sounds like they'll be filming exclusively at the Berks County Dairy Queen.

Anybody notice how "Jon and Kate" has dropped the "plus Eight" in all the promotional talk? Just like a real life divorce, the kids become irrelevant and the balding dad buys a motorcycle.

Here's a little taste of Todd Glass:

Next time: Batman was king when I was in 3rd grade! And I always wanted that soundtrack! Tomorrow we'll talk about this.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Return of the Vick

He's out of the klink. The debate is on--should he be allowed back in the NFL.
YES!!! Of course he should! He spent 2 years in prison, he paid his price. People want him punished? Yeah,that's what that prison term was. Suspend him from football? That's like grounding a kid after you gave him the spanking of his life... I think he got the message already. By the way, Donte Stallworth killed a HUMAN BEING and got 30 days in jail. Yeah, I said 30 DAYS! That tells you American hierarchy. Pit bull killing is worth 24X larger sentence than killing a Mexican immigrant. Maybe PETA should lay off protesting chicken wings for a weekend and picket a little bit of that inhumanity.

Headlines below:

Amy Winehouse has been accused of assault. Many experts doubt this, considering if Amy punched someone her crack-riddled hand would break.

Brad Pitt doesn't believe in God. Really Brad? You're rich, famous, good looking, having babies with Angilia Jolie and you DON'T believe in God? What hope do the rest of us have then?

Brad Pitt doesn't believe in God, but his agent does.

Ouch, how much money did he leave on the table?:

Tomorrow: I'm always excited to listen to new comedy CD's. Anybody else? I'm talking about Todd Glass tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Childhood Dreams Come True...

I bid on LA Gear Michael Jackson.

I didn't win. But that's the great thing about being an adult, you can afford to make a couple childhood dreams come true. Usually what kids want, are pretty cheap. It's not Ferrieres and Prada bags that kids want. They want a pair of Jordan's or Star Wars villiage (at least I did).

That actually reminds me, when I was 5 years old, my mom melted my He-Man action figures in the dishwasher (they were dirty, that's why they were in there!). I was crushed. Ever since then, I've wanted to replace the collection. Anybody know where I can get a Moss-Man and Skinkor?

Abbi wrote, "I get nostalgic about the toys I used to play with and the food I used to eat as a kid."
Ahh, I still eat the food from when I was a kid: Fruity Pebbles, Pop-Tarts, Kentucky Fried Chicken... let's be honest, my mom didn't cook much.
As for the toys, buy yourself that Easy Bake Oven already! Why not? I'm getting those Rambo guns when I find them.

Droppin headlines:

Paula Abdul not coming back to American Idol. On the bright side, she was so doped up she didn't even know she was there in the first place.

What will American Idol do without Paula? Probably keep on producing a show that we can all look back on in 30 years and say, "What drugs were we on that made us think this was a good idea?"

And for old time's sake:

Tomorrow: Michael Vick is a free man. Should he return to the NFL? Leave your comments in today's post and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Monday, July 20, 2009

No Country (Club) for Black Men

So a Philly country club decides it's okay to ban a group of black children in the year 2009? Does it surprise anyone? Probably, but more importantly is it racist? Yeah, of course it is.
For better or worse, it's America and people have the freedom to make their private club private, segregate, and ignorant. But the rest of us also have the right to call them out on it, and protest them.
These kids PAID to use the club. Honor your contract with them. Of course, honor had very little to do with your decision.
Abbi wrote, "We have already talked about it at great length, but I think the real tragedy is none of the kids had time to pee in the pool." Don't worry, old rich white folks are almost universally incontinent. That pool is already a bio-hazard.

Now on to headlines:
A couple with the same name that found each other on facebook are getting married. That's not news, it happens all the time--it's called Kentucky matrimony.

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews was secretly videotaped in her hotel room. John Madden is jealous over all her exposure.

Tyler Perry has decided to take the shunned kids from the Philly pool to Disney World. They all were excited until they heard that they'd have to watch "Madea goes to Jail" on the trip there.

When told Tyler Perry was taking them to Disney World and providing entertainment on the way there, the kids said, "Thanks, but no thanks. We'd rather go swim with the racists than watch 'House of Pain.'"

This used to be considered cool:

Tomorrow: Are you a nostalgic person? About what? Leave and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Will you still love me...

So I was watching Letterman last night and Paul McCartney was the guest (both interview and musical). Turns out he played a mini-concert on top of The Late Show marquee. What?! I can't believe I didn't know about this! I totally would have gone! It's like 3 blocks from me too. I will be sick about that for the rest of my life.
I love The Beatles. I love Elvis and Michael Jackson too. Sue me. All of them have memories attached from my life to their songs.
I was about 15 when The Beatles Anthology was broadcast on ABC. It was right around Thanksgiving. All my family was in town (brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews), and we all watched as a family each night. It was bonding.
My brother is 17 years older than me; he was always my hero. He was a real Beatles fan, and I felt more connected to him by liking them too.
That's what makes pop phenomenon like the Fab Four great. It's not just the musical value (although high), it's the warmth we feel when thinking back on those memories. Unless of course you were beaten without mercy every time "Hey, Jude" played.

Headlines are good:

30 Rock got over 20 Emmy nominations today. Amazing, 30 Rock gets just enough audience to stay on air, yet Transformers 2 is one of the biggest box office hits ever.

David and Courtney Arquette have both signed on for Scream 4. When asked if he was going to sign on too, Liev Schrieber laughed and said, "Sorry guys, I actually have had a career since then."

Even though his character has been dead for awhile, expect Jamie Kennedy to try and weasel his way into Scream 4.

Amy Whinehouse has been granted a divorce. Aw really? Things were looking so bright before that.

Here's part of what I missed:

Tomorrow: No post tomorrow, shooting a short film. For Monday give your thoughts on the black summer campers getting kicked out of the "white-friendly" pool in Philly. I'll talk about it at the top of the week.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Richie Rich is a punk.

Rich people make me sick. The wealthy think they're better than everybody else and it's about time we called them out on it. They lie to us and steal from the poor and then have the audacity to treat us like they DESERVE everything they get. It's their birthright to live in opulence. And we let them!
Just look how we portray them in entertainment. Rappers throw around money like it's those black and orange candy on Halloween--they can't get rid of it fast enough. Richie Rich spent more money on himself and adventures than the American Cross has made in 50 years. He even had his dumb dog flying a plane!
You realize how much money Ricky Stratton wasted on trains through the house? And do you know how they addressed poverty in Silver Spoons? They dedicated an episode to Ricky finding a homeless family living in a cave on their property. A CAVE!
And did you ever notice every rich kid has to have the name Richard.
Abbi wrote, "Rich people suck so much because they have no real mirrors in their home. Just people that tell them how great they are, and so they never strive to improve themselves."
What we need is to hire Brock Lesnar on behalf the underprivileged to beat the upper crust in the face til they tap out and say, "You know what, maybe I'm just a lucky SOB and other people deserve my respect and help."


A man was sentenced to a year of probation for leaking Guns and Roses new album before it's release date. And for releasing the album on it's release date, Axel Rose was given life in prison.

The world's oldest mom died today at 69, leaving behind Twins. She was a spry 66 years old when she had them, however doctors believe breaking that hip during labor clearly shorted her life.

Ex-GM boss gets a $10M retirement. Actually it's probably worth it to get him the hell away from GM.

Richard Jefferson leaves bride at alter

Robert Redford got married recently. He said, "You know I'm 72 now, it feels like time to settle down." He will be shooting the sequel to marriage shortly entitled "Death."

Kim Cattrall and her boyfriend have broken up. She felt like they were growing apart and he realized that Kim is 20 years older than him... and wanted a prenup!

Just for fun:

Tomorrow: The Beatles. Any thoughts?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Spillin' the beans

So Levi Johnston's telling us all why Sarah Palin resigned: money. She wants money he says--lucrative book and TV deals.
Ummm Levi, shut up. I got news for you, we already knew that. It's not a real mystery why she resigned. The media might be pretending it is, but come on. Alaska, and the good people of, are not a big enough stage. She's tasted fame and she has no intention of going back to seeing Russia from her back yard. It's Dolce & Gabbana time. She's like a tiger that's tasted human blood, you have to put them down or they're coming for your kids.
We saw it just a few weeks ago. Sarah and her family blew a Letterman joke way out of perportion in order to get attention. She's coming down here with the rest of us whether you like it or not. And it'll probably be in prime time!

Now today's headlines:

Artie Lange was charged with a DUI this weekend. It's not shocking that he got caught for at DUI, just that it took so long!

Artie Lange was arrested on DUI charges. Give him credit, he continues to add to his impressive inebriation resume. Only thing left: passing out in a stranger's Brentwood living room... again.

Artie Lange made it clear his DUI charge was just research for his new book, "Too Drunk Fat Eat Slur Fish."

And for a good laugh call:

Tomorrow: How come rich people suck so much? Leave a comment today and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Grandma Fry

I used to visit my Grandma Fry a couple times a year. She lived in a super small town in Illinois call Salem. She ate at the same few restaurants ever week. One of those places (I don't remember the name but I do remember it had a big chicken on the sign) sold baseball cards at the checkout. I talked my mom into getting me a pack of Topps. It was 1987 and in the pack was a Bo Jackson rookie card. Very few memories have the privilege of having a date attached.
Her favorite place was Little Egypt Pancake House. I like it too because it had an arcade machine that had 10 Nintendo games on it--my favorite being Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Even if my mom wouldn't give me any more quarters to play, I'd watch the screen demos. Hey, it was that or sit and watch Grandma gum her tuna salad.

Today's headlines:

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo break up days before her 29th birthday. Rumors are already swirling that Romo wants to hook up with his ex--Terrell Owens.

Molly Ringwald had twins this weekend. Is it wrong that I hope the father is Judd Nelson?

Jon Gosselin seen with new girlfriend in the French Rivera. No better way to show how committed you are to your kids than taking off to France with a 22 year old.

Jon Gosselin was seen with a 22 year old in France this weekend. Jon, you're supposed to take your children to Euro Disney, not your mistress.

Sotomayer is in confirmation hearings today. The one person who wants her confirmation even more than she does: Horatio Sans. He's been looking for a reason to return to SNL for years!

As you watch this video, think about at 8 year old fat kid dumping quarters into it at Little Egypt:

Tomorrow: Sarah Palin's getting hit hard by her former-future-son-in-law. What's your thoughts? Put them in the comments and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Bo Knows!

Every kid has a favorite baseball player. Mine: Bo Jackson. Everybody knew his name, his look, his attitude. He rivaled Michael Jordan in coolness. We all wanted to be like Bo.
I had a Topps Bo Jackson rookie card (I'll tell you how I got it in next Monday's post). I told everyone on the bus I had it but when they saw it they laughed because it had frayed edges and wasn't "worth" anything. Trust me, it was worth more than a crisp card with straight corners. I took it everywhere and always wanted it in my pocket. Sure I could have kept it sealed in some container, but the joy came from knowing I had it and touched it and played with it. Funny thing, when he got hurt and his career was cut short, all those cards ended up being worth nothing anyway. Only the memories are valuable.

Abbi wrote, "Babe Ruth, for mastering the game before steroids were invented. Oh, and Lou Gherig too, for being eloquent, poised and brave in the face of illness. Oh and Joe DiMaggio, partly for being married to Marilyn Monroe but mostly for looking like Jerry Orbach. I loved Dirty Dancing."
Hmmm, do think it's telling that Abbi picked all white players, and I picked a black one? Maybe she never heard of Willy Mays or Jackie Robinson. PS. Way too many Yankees there. I hate the Notre Dame, Duke, the Yankees, and the Devil himself--in that order.


GM has already ended its bankruptcy. Don't worry GM fans, they be back to losing money in no time.

Dante Stallworth was released from Jail today. Michael Vick kills dogs-gets 2 years in prison. Stallworth killed PERSON while high and drunk and gets 24... DAYS! Welcome to America.

NFL wide receiver Dante Stallworth was released after serving 24 days in prison. He said, "I have learned my lesson. Prison is horrible. Next time, I'll hide the body."

Dante was released after serving 24 of a 30 day sentence cause 3 and 1/2 weeks is enough punishment after killing a man.

Jim Carrey is set to become a grandfather. Nothing we look forward to more than granddad talking from his anus.

Remember it?

Monday: Have a grandma memory? Put in today's comments. Monday I tell you mine.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

TV Fresh?

TV is in a state never seen before. Creativity is high, and there are many outlets for good storytelling, comedy, drama, etc. etc. But that doesn't mean the best shows ever are on right now (forgive me fans of The Office).
So, what's the best show in TV history?
Abbi writes, "My Two Dads."
A show way ahead of it's time. It was the 1980s, so they had to pretend they weren't gay but we all get it.
I say the best (and most important) show in TV history: Sesame Street. Whoa, I bet you weren't expecting that! Look, since 1969 this show has been probably the first show Americans watch. That spans several generations and will continue for many more. It's the first place I saw Stevie Wonder, Bill Cosby, Cher, Michael Jackson, Dr. J... shoot the list is way too long to write here. Not only that, but Big Bird and Snuffy and Oscar taught us basic goodness and the importance of reading, education, and even race relations. A mix of pop culture, learning, and the most creative world of puppets ever created. It has a street edge too.

Headlines are fun!

Paris Hilton is getting sued for not promoting her movie "Pledge This!" Instead of being sued, we should thank her for making sure no one saw it!

The makers of "Pledge This!" claim Paris Hilton didn't fulfill her obligations to appear on talk shows to promote the film. Don't blame her, she didn't promote her sex tape either yet 20 million people still watched it.

Paris is getting sued by the producers of "Pledge This!" I pledge we sue them for putting Paris in another movie.

I loved this one as a kid:

Tomorrow: Who was your favorite baseball player? Leave it in the comments and Friday I'll tell you mine.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Americans' Idol

First off, having "King" in your name or title is not a good thing. The King dead at 42. The King of Pop dead at 50. Original King of Comedy Bernie Mac dead at 50. Martin Luther King, Jr. dead at 39. King of the Jews dead at 33. King of Queens dead at 9 seasons. King of Kong's social life stillborn. Lesson to be learned? No.
So, who is the next world superstar icon?
Abbi writes, "Beyonce in 30 years. That is, if marriage and fancy restaurants don't make her tubby. In that case she's the next Aretha Franklin."
Sorry, Beyonce doesn't cut the mustard. "Why?" you ask. Because she got caught on camera falling down the stairs followed by some embarrassing headbanging. Icon? Not in the YouTube generation Sister.
My pick? Since Madonna, Obama, and Oprah are already icons they don't count. I say the next world icon is... Dane Cook. Don't think he's stopped at his domination of the comedy world. He's gunning for it all. Plus he's the King of Myspace.

Headlines comin' at ya:

A tape of LeBron James being dunked on by a college player has been confiscated by Nike. "Just do it... and we'll make sure nobody ever knows that you did."

Bill O'Reilly has issued a statement saying, "Michael Jackson is no black icon." Because when you think expert on black culture, you think Bill O'Reilly.

O'Reilly says MJ is no black icon. He followed that gem with, "Mexicans love Rush Limbaugh."

Mariah Carey apologized for her performance in Jackson's memorial service. Now if we can get her to apologize for "Glitter."

Let's see this one again:

Tomorrow: What is the greatest TV show ever? Make your suggestions in today's comments and I'll address them tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Peter King, not cool dude.

So Representative Peter King thought, "Hey, Michael Jackson's death has affected a couple billion people: perfect time to rip him a new one."

Yeah, Mr. King (no, no relation to MLK--surprise surprise this one is whiter than a klansman's dandruff) decides it is perfectly acceptable to rip into MJ a couple days before his funeral because he thinks the entire world is making a mistake by "honoring a pervert." Yeah, there's no perversion in the political world. Watch, he's going to end up with little boys' bodies in his basement.

Oh lucky me, he's in New York and wants to run for the Senate. Maybe we should all reach out and let the congressman know exactly how much of a Peter he really is. I know I'll love voting against him... if he makes it that far.


Sylvester Stallone turned 63 this week. Ahh, a birthday for every Rocky sequel.

Fred Savage turns 33 on July 9th. Seriously, he's only 33? I swear he's been in show business for at least 34 years.

A teacher in Maine is in trouble for having a mock marriage to one of his 4th graders. Don't worry, marrying a 4th grader hasn't hurt Woody Allen's career.

Look for the new Fox show, "Are you married to a 4th grader?" this fall.

Abbi got me looking for this:

Tomorrow: Who's the next world Icon?

Monday, July 06, 2009


There are always creative, hard working artists that find a way to express themselves via film. On the flip side, there are always Michael Bays.
My favorite movie is Rocky. I don't care what other people think of the film (good or bad), it's mine and hits me every time I watch it (The sequels are just plain fun!).
Now one thing that may have changed, is the American public has given up. Transformers 2 is on its way to being one of the biggest movies ever, yet universally panned! Just slapping an expensive piece of garbage up on a screen didn't work 15 years ago-- think Waterworld. We at least had a little discernment.
So get ready, cause here comes G.I.Joe.

Headlines below:

Sarah Palin resigns as Alaska's Governor. After returning home from her recent trip to New York she was heard saying, "Wait, why do I live in Alaska?"

Sarah Palin's resignation caused many to cheer. Don't get too excited, cause now she's coming down here with the rest of us!

Sarah resigned because she heard there was a void to fill on TLC now that Jon and Kate are on hiatus.

Brett Michaels' tour bus was involved in an accident this weekend. The bus was finishing, "Nothin' but a Good Time," when it was hit by a piece of the Tony's stage.

Brett Michaels' tour bus was in an 5 car pile up. The police report said, "It missed its mark."

Roger Federer won his 15th Grand Slam title this weekend at Wimbledon. When told this, the American public responded with, "Who?"

G.H. hipped me to this video in the comments in Friday's post. I loved it!

Tomorrow: Rep. Peter King rips Michael Jackson. Fair or Foul? Leave a comment in today's post and I'll address it tomorrow!

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Fat is here to stay!

I can't believe it. Today a new study came out saying obesity rates have RISEN in half of the states, and have fallen in NONE in the past year. This is after all the talk about eating healthy, putting calorie counts on menus, and getting rid of things like hydrogenated oils.
Guess what, in 20 years, this country is going to be big. REALLY BIG.
On the plus side, if you're overweight now just wait and stay the same, you can be the skinny person in the future!


Ron Artest has signed with the Lakers this week. Ron Artest plus Los Angeles: recipe for success. Did I say success? I meant a horrible failure plus several felonies.

This week a teacher accidentally sent out a DVD of her having sex to her elementary students. She received a stern rebuke from the school but huge support from the children's fathers.

America has gotten more obese in the last year. In response, TV networks have dedicated all the fall lineup to weight-loss reality shows or competitive eating programs.

Here's our future:

Monday: What's your favorite movie? Are movies still good, or are they getting worse (Transformers). Leave your thoughts in the comments and I'll talk about it Monday.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Health Care for all?

I decided to take a look at this whole health care reform thing for myself. So, what's my thoughts and conclusions? At this rate, I don't think we're getting much at all now or anytime soon. There's sooo much money and power behind the current system, and we all know how hard it is keeping the rich from getting richer.
So here's the plan: We will TMZ them! Track down everybody with power and control in the health insurance game--those making millions off the backs of the middle class. Take pictures, write articles, print rags showing how they hang out with bat boy and own the elephant man's bones. We'll print a list of them, and every time you see them in public rush over like it's 1965 and they're the Beatles. Trust me, 6 weeks of living like Elvis did and this insurance folks will BEG us for universal health care. If that doesn't work, throw all their tea in Boston Harbor!
Now your thoughts:
Crutch writes, "as far as health care goes...get rid of middle-men insurance's bc of them that prices continue to sky-rocket. they are only interested in profits."
OK, OK. I'll admit this is sounds much more reasonable than my plan. But I think you'll have to admit mine is much more fun. Make those turds suffer the way they've made decent Americans suffer!


McDonald's has come out with the new Angus burger. Finally, what we've been waiting for: A $4 burger and $20 diarrhea .

McDonald's released the new Premium $4 Angus burger. Yeah, nothing says "Premium" like "McDonald's" and "4 dollars." Coming soon: White Castle's opulent $1.50 shake.

$4 may seem like a lot for a McDonald's hamburger but don't forget, you're not paying for the food, you're really paying for the atmosphere.

And in honor of Michael, his favorite commercial ever:

Tomorrow: Obesity. Is fat a problem in the US or not? Leave your comment and I'll talk about it on Friday.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

What Happened to the 80's?

My previous two posts got me thinking about the 1980's. It was a really awesome, fun, over-the-top decade, but what happened to it? A disproportionate number of stars from the day are gone, recluses, tragedy stricken, or straight-up crazy!

Let's just take a look at some of the 80's icons (seriously, I don't even have to write punchlines for these people; their names say it all):
Mike Tyson
Tom Cruise
Michael J. Fox
Sylvester Stallone
Eddie Murphy
Farrah Fawcett
Van Halen (EVERYBODY in the band)
and the biggest star of them all Michael Jackson.

That's not even counting big, but not quite life-altering stars:
Patrick Swayze
Hulk Hogan
Mr. T
Kirk Cameron
David Hasselhoff
Nell Carter
Entire cast of Diff'rent Strokes
Isiah Thomas
Christopher Reeves
Bo Jackson
Sam Kinison
Andrew "Dice" Clay
Dudley Moore
Paul Ruebens a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman
Whitney Houston
Mel Gibson

It's clear Magic Johnson made a deal with the devil. If he allowed Earvin to continue living and become a business king, he would strike down all other stars from the 80's.

Is there one person who thought Prince would be the most normal guy from the 80's in the year 2009?

Headlines are here:

Kevin Jonas is engaged. First MJ, now this! I can only take so much heartbreak.

Kevin Jonas is getting married. Luckily it makes good business sense--his fiancee is Minny Mouse.

Don't worry, even though Kevin Jonas is getting married, he'll still make crappy music and star as a 14 year old in Disney Channel original movies.

GM told it's investors today to not buy their stock. Yeah, I think they probably got that message about 6 months ago.

GM says to not buy it's stock. Hey GM, if you're just realizing this NOW, it's no wonder you are bankrupt.

GM says "Don't buy our stock... Instead please, PLEASE buy our cars!"

And now a little video that I can't get out of my head:

Tomorrow: Health Care: What should we do? Leave a comment today, and I'll talk about it tomorrow.