Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I ate Christmas

I ate a Christmas bulb ornament. No not this year! When I was 4. I was young but I wasn't stupid. I knew it wasn't a real apple, but I still thought it would be a good idea to take a bite out of it. I was using my imagination, however glass doesn't play pretend.
I calmly told my parents, "Father, Mother, I seem to have a shard of glass in my gums. Wouldn't you be so kind as to take me to the hospital."
Well like any set good hysterical parents they burned rubber to the local emergency room. Even though this was 1983 rual Missouri, the medical community was surprisingly slow. While waiting I finally got the glass out with my tongue. So in way I gave my dad what any parent wants, a big medical bill for absolutely no reason.
And because of this incident, our trees were shockingly bare for the first 4 feet and my dad still would only let me use a preschool train set when I was in Junior High.
Ah, warm Christmas memories.

Gotta love this video:

Next: How to ring in the New Year. How did you do it this year? Have a favorite one?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My apologies!

How time can get away from you when you're busy!
It's been a little over a month since I last wrote an entry.
I'll make up for it by posting my Green Jokes rejected by Letterman.
1. Republicans have gained unfair criticism for being anti-environment considering they’ve been running their party on wind for years.
2. On the heals of “An Inconvenient Truth,” Al Gore has just released “Our Choice” urging the public to make radical changes for the environment cautioning, “if we don’t change now, I’ll release another book.”
3. America finally got a wake up call about Global Warming this week when it was announce the Coca-Cola polar bear drowned due to ice cap melting.
4. Due to melting ice caps, Santa has been forced to move his workshop operations to India.
5. Climate change has wreaked havoc across the globe the past decade with a dramatic increase in temperatures, vast death of wild life, and increased frequency and destructive power of tropical storms. But on the plus side, Milwaukee is almost bearable in November.
6. Climate change has caused an increase in migratory wildlife patterns, causing some predatory animals to seek refuge in territories they don’t belong. In a related story, Sarah Palin has left Alaska to embark on her lower 48 book tour beginning Nov. 18.
7. With dozens of new green cars coming out ever year, the green initiative has found scores of new was for guys to not get dates. Once you go green, you’ll never be seen.
8. Hollywood is often ahead of the curve on environment affairs: Ms. Piggy went green years ago.
9. Biofuels are getting some criticism for harming the world’s corn supply. Luckily a new biofuel is being made out of a food supply nobody will miss: White Castle.
10. Al Gore decided to go with “Our Choice” as his next book rather than his original idea, “Livin’ La Vida Loca.”
11. California continues to lead the way in Green technology. In fact, Joan Rivers now runs on biofuel.
12. If the world wants to get rid of some green house gasses, I suggest we get my dad to stop ordering Dominos.
13. Trucking companies have been slow to adopt clean energy. Not surprising since they have been slow to adopt clean truckers.
14. Jay Leno is a big proponent of green cars, which is ironic considering his car collection accounts for nearly half of US emissions.
15. Beer makers are now able to recover nearly 50% of energy cost from leftovers. This is great news for Mel Gibson.
16. KFC has gone green; they’ve chosen to combine all their food into one slop bowl. Trust me, that’s turned a lot of people green.
17. China has declared that they will be leading the world in green energy. I don’t know about you, but when I think green, I think China.
18. Just to be clear China’s green world pledge excludes anything in their products that could kill your kids or pets.
19. A new study shows that Hillbillies are the greenest people; no electricity usage and their restroom is a bush.
20. Many big corporations are now going green. GM and Chrysler are doing their part by making sure none of their cars are on the road.
And in the spirit of Christmas:

Next time: It's Christmas story time! Got one of your own?

Monday, November 02, 2009

Office Farts

It never fails, every time I've farted in an office situation a female co-worker decides that's the appropriate moment to ask me a long winded (no pun intended) question. I had been sitting at my desk without one person talking to me ALL DAY, I finally rip one and then this gal decides it's time to talk to me about the new Avatar trailer. I couldn't care less about the trailer even if I wasn't surrounded by a green cloud.
I call this the Gaseous Murphy's Law. If something bad can happen in my pants, it will and everyone will catch me.

Any stories yourself?

Some recent headlines:

Balloon Boy was a popular costume this Halloween. Interestingly, the Heene's dressed as a NORMAL family.

Adam Lambert and his boyfriend have split up. Of course this means a new reality show staring Lambert and Gosselin: Kate Plus Dead-weight.

Jay Leno says he'd return to The Tonight Show if NBC asked. Hey Jay, no one's asking!

Today's Video-Exercise isn't always worth it:

Next time: Best Holidays. What's your favorite? Leave in the comment section below.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Wedgie Story

Sorry readers (or should I say "reader") for the long delay in writing. It got kinda busy around here on the comedy scene. Lots of shows (check one out if you haven't been to one in awhile or ever). Besides my normal bookings I started hosting a new show in Harlem as well as the return of The Living Room in Brooklyn.

Okay, now the wedgie story:

I had a nemesis in elementary school. His name is Justin. He was the popular cool kid. He didn't like nerds or fat kids and I was both. From Kindergarten on he was always nasty to me--always trying to make me feel like I wasn't worthy of breathing the same air as his highness.
We did our best to stay away from each other. He didn't go out of his way to pick on me, that would mean he'd have to acknowledge my existence, but he made his feelings well known when able.
This changed in 6th grade. We both had a mutual friend for once, Ben. Ben was one of those free spirits who'd be friends with anybody. He was a cool kid but didn't care if you were or not. He just wanted to have fun. He and his brothers were the wild boys and they lived a couple doors down from Justin and therefore they hung out a lot. Ben had befriended me, so we played together a few days a week. For the first time out of our seven years together, Justin and I were forced into the same social situations. At first he didn't hide his disdain for me, but after awhile he eased up a bit. If Ben liked me, well then maybe I wasn't a complete dork.
Oh if only that could have lasted.
I finally had gotten to the point where Justin and I could have a discussion. Sure it usually consisted of him giving his opinion on Michael Jordan or Ken Griffy Jr., me giving mine, and then scoffing and acting like I was a moron. But it was a start--things were moving in the right direction.
Then on a fateful Saturday afternoon we were all playing freeze-tag. We played for an hour or s0--just long enough to get bored with it. Then a wrestling match began, because that's what boys do when they get bored with freeze-tag. Now when boys wrestle it often turns into gang up on the fat kid and do something embarrassing to him. This time it was wedgie day. As Justin, Ben, and the other wild boys teamed up on me, pinned me down, and yanked my underwear to the moon I heard loud screeches of laughter. I knew wedgie laughter, trust me any fat kid who's gone through a day in gym class knows those laughs. This was different. Then the comment I will never forget, "He's wearing Big Foot Underoos!" My usual embarrassment gave way to utter horror. I was wearing Underoos with a picture of Big Foot, the monster truck. Underoos were a social death sentence in 4th grade, let alone 6th!
I don't remember what happened next. I think I blacked out and have repressed the memories of the events immediately following the wedgie. I do however know the consequences. Justin never spoke a word to me again--not even a word of hate. I ceased to exist. If I was in a room he looked through me like a pane of glass. All the way through High School not one more word, even to this day.
I don't know what happened to Justin, Facebook and Myspace haven't provided much. All I can hope for is that some day he comes to a show and when he does I'll say, "Hey I'm still wearing the Big Foot Underoos--it's called being a hipster, I was just ahead of my time."

Okay, I saw these guys on Sunday:

Next: We'll talk about office farts. Got any stories?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Batman pt. 2

It's 3rd grade and I desperately want to be cool and fit in. I'm a chubby kid ("husky" as they say in 1989). Spencer is the star of the class. He's one of those kids that hit puberty way too early. A foot taller than everyone; starts shaving at 10. He looked like Magnum P.I. in third grade!
Spencer frequently brings in music that no of us are supposed to listen to. 2 Live Crew is his choice of the day. He's passing around the tape and mentions how he wishes he had the Batman Soundtrack. All the other guys agree in unison! And then I say it, "I have the Batman tape." What did I just say? I see respect in everyone's eyes for the first time as they turn to me with envy. And then the fateful phrase uttered from Spencer's caveman lips, "Bring it in." "Oh sure, sure. Maybe next week," I say. "Tomorrow."
What else am I supposed to do--I bring it in the next day.
Now I wasn't a stupid kid, just a bit naive. To me, a Batman tape with a cool Batman song and an actor voicing the words to an attached comic book was the coolest thing. To a kid that was throwing around 2 Live Crew and Guns N' Roses, that was lamer than bringing in a signed autograph from Mr. Belvedere.
The disappointment on their faces was evident. The worst part though was how Spencer just dismissed me from then on. I'd never be cool in his eyes.
Flash forward 20 years--he's in jail now, and I just bought the Batman Soundtrack a week ago. Suck it Spencer--I am cool!

Couple Headlines:

Rick Pitino rebuked the media for being "irresponsible." Yeah, the media's not responsible like you were when you cheated on your wife and paid for the woman's abortion.

Rick Pitino slammed the media. Guess he forgot that HE'S the sleazeball.

Madonna was booed on her tour for speaking out against Gypsy discrimination. At least it wasn't for her music this time.

Madonna's new cause is Gypsy discrimination? Are gypsies even real? I thought they were only in Grimm's fairy tales.

Thank goodness Madonna speaking out for a noble cause like Gypsy hatred. Think she'll adopt one now?

If I owned this in 1989 I'd have been cool?:

Next time: The wedgie story or the office fart. Which story would you like to hear? Leave your pick in the comments!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I'm Batman!

Part 1:
The year is 1989. I am in 3rd grade and Batman is THE COOLEST thing that has ever existed. I have the toys! I have the comics! I have the shirt! I even have the cereal! But something is missing, the soundtrack!
My mom often took me with her on trips to the store. Groceries were a weekly occurrence, every Friday to Cub Foods. About once a week we would stop by Big & Small Lots, F&M Drugstore, and Phar-mor.
(By the way, Cub, F&M, and Phar-mor are all extinct, and Big Lots dropped the "& small" from the name. Even the strip mall, Eastgate Consumer, in Indianapolis is dead an gone. Time to feel old?)
On one of these trips, I noticed a glimmer in the cassette tape section--yes, it was Batman! I had to have it! I beg my mother to please, please, PLEASE let me have it. She sees it is from Prince, and being the good Christian mother she is, I am denied. Instead I am given the Batman read-a-long comic book with it's own cassette tape. I see no difference. A Batman tape is a Batman tape. At least that's what I thought...

Now for a few headlines:

Brett Favre has decided to sign with the Vikings. He's out to break the record for most retirements in one season.

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has joined Dancing with the Stars. He's there to revitalize the spirit of the repressed Republican townspeople and get Rock 'n Roll back in time for the prom!

Paula Abdul is rethinking a return to American Idol. Who does she think she is, Brett Favre?

This is the only Batman movie my mom wanted me see:

Batman Soundtrack Part 2 tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I love Thin Pig

I recently purchased Todd Glass' new album, "Thin Pig." I know a comedian strikes me when I laugh out loud uncontrollably and multiple times while riding on the subway. I even irritated my wife while listening to it on my iPod. I kept laughing while she was trying to do some work. That's like being in summer school and hearing the kids playing on the playground outside your classroom window.

Abbi said, "I like listening to comedy cds, but I find that a lot of contemporary comedians are visual, and it would be better to see them than hear the audience laugh at a face they're making. Mitch Hedberg made good listening albums."
Look at it this way, it's better to hear an ugly comedian than have to see them. Some comedians are more fun to watch than listen to, but sooo many make great albums. We're really in a bit of a Renaissance when it comes to comedy albums. The 80s and 90s had nowhere near the amount of albums the 60s, 70s, and today have.

Headlines are here to stay:

Eli Manning signed a new contract making him the highest paid player in the NFL. Unfortunetly all that money can't make his face look like a broke hill-billy.

Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol. In order to replace all of her wit, charm, and natural charisma the producers have decided to replace her with a block of cheddar cheese.

Jon and Kate returns, this time split up! Wow, seeing two overweight small town rubes return to the dating scene, sounds like they'll be filming exclusively at the Berks County Dairy Queen.

Anybody notice how "Jon and Kate" has dropped the "plus Eight" in all the promotional talk? Just like a real life divorce, the kids become irrelevant and the balding dad buys a motorcycle.

Here's a little taste of Todd Glass:

Next time: Batman was king when I was in 3rd grade! And I always wanted that soundtrack! Tomorrow we'll talk about this.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Return of the Vick

He's out of the klink. The debate is on--should he be allowed back in the NFL.
YES!!! Of course he should! He spent 2 years in prison, he paid his price. People want him punished? Yeah,that's what that prison term was. Suspend him from football? That's like grounding a kid after you gave him the spanking of his life... I think he got the message already. By the way, Donte Stallworth killed a HUMAN BEING and got 30 days in jail. Yeah, I said 30 DAYS! That tells you American hierarchy. Pit bull killing is worth 24X larger sentence than killing a Mexican immigrant. Maybe PETA should lay off protesting chicken wings for a weekend and picket a little bit of that inhumanity.

Headlines below:

Amy Winehouse has been accused of assault. Many experts doubt this, considering if Amy punched someone her crack-riddled hand would break.

Brad Pitt doesn't believe in God. Really Brad? You're rich, famous, good looking, having babies with Angilia Jolie and you DON'T believe in God? What hope do the rest of us have then?

Brad Pitt doesn't believe in God, but his agent does.

Ouch, how much money did he leave on the table?:

Tomorrow: I'm always excited to listen to new comedy CD's. Anybody else? I'm talking about Todd Glass tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Childhood Dreams Come True...

I bid on LA Gear Michael Jackson.

I didn't win. But that's the great thing about being an adult, you can afford to make a couple childhood dreams come true. Usually what kids want, are pretty cheap. It's not Ferrieres and Prada bags that kids want. They want a pair of Jordan's or Star Wars villiage (at least I did).

That actually reminds me, when I was 5 years old, my mom melted my He-Man action figures in the dishwasher (they were dirty, that's why they were in there!). I was crushed. Ever since then, I've wanted to replace the collection. Anybody know where I can get a Moss-Man and Skinkor?

Abbi wrote, "I get nostalgic about the toys I used to play with and the food I used to eat as a kid."
Ahh, I still eat the food from when I was a kid: Fruity Pebbles, Pop-Tarts, Kentucky Fried Chicken... let's be honest, my mom didn't cook much.
As for the toys, buy yourself that Easy Bake Oven already! Why not? I'm getting those Rambo guns when I find them.

Droppin headlines:

Paula Abdul not coming back to American Idol. On the bright side, she was so doped up she didn't even know she was there in the first place.

What will American Idol do without Paula? Probably keep on producing a show that we can all look back on in 30 years and say, "What drugs were we on that made us think this was a good idea?"

And for old time's sake:

Tomorrow: Michael Vick is a free man. Should he return to the NFL? Leave your comments in today's post and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Monday, July 20, 2009

No Country (Club) for Black Men

So a Philly country club decides it's okay to ban a group of black children in the year 2009? Does it surprise anyone? Probably, but more importantly is it racist? Yeah, of course it is.
For better or worse, it's America and people have the freedom to make their private club private, segregate, and ignorant. But the rest of us also have the right to call them out on it, and protest them.
These kids PAID to use the club. Honor your contract with them. Of course, honor had very little to do with your decision.
Abbi wrote, "We have already talked about it at great length, but I think the real tragedy is none of the kids had time to pee in the pool." Don't worry, old rich white folks are almost universally incontinent. That pool is already a bio-hazard.

Now on to headlines:
A couple with the same name that found each other on facebook are getting married. That's not news, it happens all the time--it's called Kentucky matrimony.

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews was secretly videotaped in her hotel room. John Madden is jealous over all her exposure.

Tyler Perry has decided to take the shunned kids from the Philly pool to Disney World. They all were excited until they heard that they'd have to watch "Madea goes to Jail" on the trip there.

When told Tyler Perry was taking them to Disney World and providing entertainment on the way there, the kids said, "Thanks, but no thanks. We'd rather go swim with the racists than watch 'House of Pain.'"

This used to be considered cool:

Tomorrow: Are you a nostalgic person? About what? Leave and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Will you still love me...

So I was watching Letterman last night and Paul McCartney was the guest (both interview and musical). Turns out he played a mini-concert on top of The Late Show marquee. What?! I can't believe I didn't know about this! I totally would have gone! It's like 3 blocks from me too. I will be sick about that for the rest of my life.
I love The Beatles. I love Elvis and Michael Jackson too. Sue me. All of them have memories attached from my life to their songs.
I was about 15 when The Beatles Anthology was broadcast on ABC. It was right around Thanksgiving. All my family was in town (brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews), and we all watched as a family each night. It was bonding.
My brother is 17 years older than me; he was always my hero. He was a real Beatles fan, and I felt more connected to him by liking them too.
That's what makes pop phenomenon like the Fab Four great. It's not just the musical value (although high), it's the warmth we feel when thinking back on those memories. Unless of course you were beaten without mercy every time "Hey, Jude" played.

Headlines are good:

30 Rock got over 20 Emmy nominations today. Amazing, 30 Rock gets just enough audience to stay on air, yet Transformers 2 is one of the biggest box office hits ever.

David and Courtney Arquette have both signed on for Scream 4. When asked if he was going to sign on too, Liev Schrieber laughed and said, "Sorry guys, I actually have had a career since then."

Even though his character has been dead for awhile, expect Jamie Kennedy to try and weasel his way into Scream 4.

Amy Whinehouse has been granted a divorce. Aw really? Things were looking so bright before that.

Here's part of what I missed:

Tomorrow: No post tomorrow, shooting a short film. For Monday give your thoughts on the black summer campers getting kicked out of the "white-friendly" pool in Philly. I'll talk about it at the top of the week.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Richie Rich is a punk.

Rich people make me sick. The wealthy think they're better than everybody else and it's about time we called them out on it. They lie to us and steal from the poor and then have the audacity to treat us like they DESERVE everything they get. It's their birthright to live in opulence. And we let them!
Just look how we portray them in entertainment. Rappers throw around money like it's those black and orange candy on Halloween--they can't get rid of it fast enough. Richie Rich spent more money on himself and adventures than the American Cross has made in 50 years. He even had his dumb dog flying a plane!
You realize how much money Ricky Stratton wasted on trains through the house? And do you know how they addressed poverty in Silver Spoons? They dedicated an episode to Ricky finding a homeless family living in a cave on their property. A CAVE!
And did you ever notice every rich kid has to have the name Richard.
Abbi wrote, "Rich people suck so much because they have no real mirrors in their home. Just people that tell them how great they are, and so they never strive to improve themselves."
What we need is to hire Brock Lesnar on behalf the underprivileged to beat the upper crust in the face til they tap out and say, "You know what, maybe I'm just a lucky SOB and other people deserve my respect and help."


A man was sentenced to a year of probation for leaking Guns and Roses new album before it's release date. And for releasing the album on it's release date, Axel Rose was given life in prison.

The world's oldest mom died today at 69, leaving behind Twins. She was a spry 66 years old when she had them, however doctors believe breaking that hip during labor clearly shorted her life.

Ex-GM boss gets a $10M retirement. Actually it's probably worth it to get him the hell away from GM.

Richard Jefferson leaves bride at alter

Robert Redford got married recently. He said, "You know I'm 72 now, it feels like time to settle down." He will be shooting the sequel to marriage shortly entitled "Death."

Kim Cattrall and her boyfriend have broken up. She felt like they were growing apart and he realized that Kim is 20 years older than him... and wanted a prenup!

Just for fun:

Tomorrow: The Beatles. Any thoughts?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Spillin' the beans

So Levi Johnston's telling us all why Sarah Palin resigned: money. She wants money he says--lucrative book and TV deals.
Ummm Levi, shut up. I got news for you, we already knew that. It's not a real mystery why she resigned. The media might be pretending it is, but come on. Alaska, and the good people of, are not a big enough stage. She's tasted fame and she has no intention of going back to seeing Russia from her back yard. It's Dolce & Gabbana time. She's like a tiger that's tasted human blood, you have to put them down or they're coming for your kids.
We saw it just a few weeks ago. Sarah and her family blew a Letterman joke way out of perportion in order to get attention. She's coming down here with the rest of us whether you like it or not. And it'll probably be in prime time!

Now today's headlines:

Artie Lange was charged with a DUI this weekend. It's not shocking that he got caught for at DUI, just that it took so long!

Artie Lange was arrested on DUI charges. Give him credit, he continues to add to his impressive inebriation resume. Only thing left: passing out in a stranger's Brentwood living room... again.

Artie Lange made it clear his DUI charge was just research for his new book, "Too Drunk Fat Eat Slur Fish."

And for a good laugh call:

Tomorrow: How come rich people suck so much? Leave a comment today and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Grandma Fry

I used to visit my Grandma Fry a couple times a year. She lived in a super small town in Illinois call Salem. She ate at the same few restaurants ever week. One of those places (I don't remember the name but I do remember it had a big chicken on the sign) sold baseball cards at the checkout. I talked my mom into getting me a pack of Topps. It was 1987 and in the pack was a Bo Jackson rookie card. Very few memories have the privilege of having a date attached.
Her favorite place was Little Egypt Pancake House. I like it too because it had an arcade machine that had 10 Nintendo games on it--my favorite being Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Even if my mom wouldn't give me any more quarters to play, I'd watch the screen demos. Hey, it was that or sit and watch Grandma gum her tuna salad.

Today's headlines:

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo break up days before her 29th birthday. Rumors are already swirling that Romo wants to hook up with his ex--Terrell Owens.

Molly Ringwald had twins this weekend. Is it wrong that I hope the father is Judd Nelson?

Jon Gosselin seen with new girlfriend in the French Rivera. No better way to show how committed you are to your kids than taking off to France with a 22 year old.

Jon Gosselin was seen with a 22 year old in France this weekend. Jon, you're supposed to take your children to Euro Disney, not your mistress.

Sotomayer is in confirmation hearings today. The one person who wants her confirmation even more than she does: Horatio Sans. He's been looking for a reason to return to SNL for years!

As you watch this video, think about at 8 year old fat kid dumping quarters into it at Little Egypt:

Tomorrow: Sarah Palin's getting hit hard by her former-future-son-in-law. What's your thoughts? Put them in the comments and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Bo Knows!

Every kid has a favorite baseball player. Mine: Bo Jackson. Everybody knew his name, his look, his attitude. He rivaled Michael Jordan in coolness. We all wanted to be like Bo.
I had a Topps Bo Jackson rookie card (I'll tell you how I got it in next Monday's post). I told everyone on the bus I had it but when they saw it they laughed because it had frayed edges and wasn't "worth" anything. Trust me, it was worth more than a crisp card with straight corners. I took it everywhere and always wanted it in my pocket. Sure I could have kept it sealed in some container, but the joy came from knowing I had it and touched it and played with it. Funny thing, when he got hurt and his career was cut short, all those cards ended up being worth nothing anyway. Only the memories are valuable.

Abbi wrote, "Babe Ruth, for mastering the game before steroids were invented. Oh, and Lou Gherig too, for being eloquent, poised and brave in the face of illness. Oh and Joe DiMaggio, partly for being married to Marilyn Monroe but mostly for looking like Jerry Orbach. I loved Dirty Dancing."
Hmmm, do think it's telling that Abbi picked all white players, and I picked a black one? Maybe she never heard of Willy Mays or Jackie Robinson. PS. Way too many Yankees there. I hate the Notre Dame, Duke, the Yankees, and the Devil himself--in that order.


GM has already ended its bankruptcy. Don't worry GM fans, they be back to losing money in no time.

Dante Stallworth was released from Jail today. Michael Vick kills dogs-gets 2 years in prison. Stallworth killed PERSON while high and drunk and gets 24... DAYS! Welcome to America.

NFL wide receiver Dante Stallworth was released after serving 24 days in prison. He said, "I have learned my lesson. Prison is horrible. Next time, I'll hide the body."

Dante was released after serving 24 of a 30 day sentence cause 3 and 1/2 weeks is enough punishment after killing a man.

Jim Carrey is set to become a grandfather. Nothing we look forward to more than granddad talking from his anus.

Remember it?

Monday: Have a grandma memory? Put in today's comments. Monday I tell you mine.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

TV Fresh?

TV is in a state never seen before. Creativity is high, and there are many outlets for good storytelling, comedy, drama, etc. etc. But that doesn't mean the best shows ever are on right now (forgive me fans of The Office).
So, what's the best show in TV history?
Abbi writes, "My Two Dads."
A show way ahead of it's time. It was the 1980s, so they had to pretend they weren't gay but we all get it.
I say the best (and most important) show in TV history: Sesame Street. Whoa, I bet you weren't expecting that! Look, since 1969 this show has been probably the first show Americans watch. That spans several generations and will continue for many more. It's the first place I saw Stevie Wonder, Bill Cosby, Cher, Michael Jackson, Dr. J... shoot the list is way too long to write here. Not only that, but Big Bird and Snuffy and Oscar taught us basic goodness and the importance of reading, education, and even race relations. A mix of pop culture, learning, and the most creative world of puppets ever created. It has a street edge too.

Headlines are fun!

Paris Hilton is getting sued for not promoting her movie "Pledge This!" Instead of being sued, we should thank her for making sure no one saw it!

The makers of "Pledge This!" claim Paris Hilton didn't fulfill her obligations to appear on talk shows to promote the film. Don't blame her, she didn't promote her sex tape either yet 20 million people still watched it.

Paris is getting sued by the producers of "Pledge This!" I pledge we sue them for putting Paris in another movie.

I loved this one as a kid:

Tomorrow: Who was your favorite baseball player? Leave it in the comments and Friday I'll tell you mine.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Americans' Idol

First off, having "King" in your name or title is not a good thing. The King dead at 42. The King of Pop dead at 50. Original King of Comedy Bernie Mac dead at 50. Martin Luther King, Jr. dead at 39. King of the Jews dead at 33. King of Queens dead at 9 seasons. King of Kong's social life stillborn. Lesson to be learned? No.
So, who is the next world superstar icon?
Abbi writes, "Beyonce in 30 years. That is, if marriage and fancy restaurants don't make her tubby. In that case she's the next Aretha Franklin."
Sorry, Beyonce doesn't cut the mustard. "Why?" you ask. Because she got caught on camera falling down the stairs followed by some embarrassing headbanging. Icon? Not in the YouTube generation Sister.
My pick? Since Madonna, Obama, and Oprah are already icons they don't count. I say the next world icon is... Dane Cook. Don't think he's stopped at his domination of the comedy world. He's gunning for it all. Plus he's the King of Myspace.

Headlines comin' at ya:

A tape of LeBron James being dunked on by a college player has been confiscated by Nike. "Just do it... and we'll make sure nobody ever knows that you did."

Bill O'Reilly has issued a statement saying, "Michael Jackson is no black icon." Because when you think expert on black culture, you think Bill O'Reilly.

O'Reilly says MJ is no black icon. He followed that gem with, "Mexicans love Rush Limbaugh."

Mariah Carey apologized for her performance in Jackson's memorial service. Now if we can get her to apologize for "Glitter."

Let's see this one again:

Tomorrow: What is the greatest TV show ever? Make your suggestions in today's comments and I'll address them tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Peter King, not cool dude.

So Representative Peter King thought, "Hey, Michael Jackson's death has affected a couple billion people: perfect time to rip him a new one."

Yeah, Mr. King (no, no relation to MLK--surprise surprise this one is whiter than a klansman's dandruff) decides it is perfectly acceptable to rip into MJ a couple days before his funeral because he thinks the entire world is making a mistake by "honoring a pervert." Yeah, there's no perversion in the political world. Watch, he's going to end up with little boys' bodies in his basement.

Oh lucky me, he's in New York and wants to run for the Senate. Maybe we should all reach out and let the congressman know exactly how much of a Peter he really is. I know I'll love voting against him... if he makes it that far.


Sylvester Stallone turned 63 this week. Ahh, a birthday for every Rocky sequel.

Fred Savage turns 33 on July 9th. Seriously, he's only 33? I swear he's been in show business for at least 34 years.

A teacher in Maine is in trouble for having a mock marriage to one of his 4th graders. Don't worry, marrying a 4th grader hasn't hurt Woody Allen's career.

Look for the new Fox show, "Are you married to a 4th grader?" this fall.

Abbi got me looking for this:

Tomorrow: Who's the next world Icon?

Monday, July 06, 2009


There are always creative, hard working artists that find a way to express themselves via film. On the flip side, there are always Michael Bays.
My favorite movie is Rocky. I don't care what other people think of the film (good or bad), it's mine and hits me every time I watch it (The sequels are just plain fun!).
Now one thing that may have changed, is the American public has given up. Transformers 2 is on its way to being one of the biggest movies ever, yet universally panned! Just slapping an expensive piece of garbage up on a screen didn't work 15 years ago-- think Waterworld. We at least had a little discernment.
So get ready, cause here comes G.I.Joe.

Headlines below:

Sarah Palin resigns as Alaska's Governor. After returning home from her recent trip to New York she was heard saying, "Wait, why do I live in Alaska?"

Sarah Palin's resignation caused many to cheer. Don't get too excited, cause now she's coming down here with the rest of us!

Sarah resigned because she heard there was a void to fill on TLC now that Jon and Kate are on hiatus.

Brett Michaels' tour bus was involved in an accident this weekend. The bus was finishing, "Nothin' but a Good Time," when it was hit by a piece of the Tony's stage.

Brett Michaels' tour bus was in an 5 car pile up. The police report said, "It missed its mark."

Roger Federer won his 15th Grand Slam title this weekend at Wimbledon. When told this, the American public responded with, "Who?"

G.H. hipped me to this video in the comments in Friday's post. I loved it!

Tomorrow: Rep. Peter King rips Michael Jackson. Fair or Foul? Leave a comment in today's post and I'll address it tomorrow!

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Fat is here to stay!

I can't believe it. Today a new study came out saying obesity rates have RISEN in half of the states, and have fallen in NONE in the past year. This is after all the talk about eating healthy, putting calorie counts on menus, and getting rid of things like hydrogenated oils.
Guess what, in 20 years, this country is going to be big. REALLY BIG.
On the plus side, if you're overweight now just wait and stay the same, you can be the skinny person in the future!


Ron Artest has signed with the Lakers this week. Ron Artest plus Los Angeles: recipe for success. Did I say success? I meant a horrible failure plus several felonies.

This week a teacher accidentally sent out a DVD of her having sex to her elementary students. She received a stern rebuke from the school but huge support from the children's fathers.

America has gotten more obese in the last year. In response, TV networks have dedicated all the fall lineup to weight-loss reality shows or competitive eating programs.

Here's our future:

Monday: What's your favorite movie? Are movies still good, or are they getting worse (Transformers). Leave your thoughts in the comments and I'll talk about it Monday.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Health Care for all?

I decided to take a look at this whole health care reform thing for myself. So, what's my thoughts and conclusions? At this rate, I don't think we're getting much at all now or anytime soon. There's sooo much money and power behind the current system, and we all know how hard it is keeping the rich from getting richer.
So here's the plan: We will TMZ them! Track down everybody with power and control in the health insurance game--those making millions off the backs of the middle class. Take pictures, write articles, print rags showing how they hang out with bat boy and own the elephant man's bones. We'll print a list of them, and every time you see them in public rush over like it's 1965 and they're the Beatles. Trust me, 6 weeks of living like Elvis did and this insurance folks will BEG us for universal health care. If that doesn't work, throw all their tea in Boston Harbor!
Now your thoughts:
Crutch writes, "as far as health care goes...get rid of middle-men insurance's bc of them that prices continue to sky-rocket. they are only interested in profits."
OK, OK. I'll admit this is sounds much more reasonable than my plan. But I think you'll have to admit mine is much more fun. Make those turds suffer the way they've made decent Americans suffer!


McDonald's has come out with the new Angus burger. Finally, what we've been waiting for: A $4 burger and $20 diarrhea .

McDonald's released the new Premium $4 Angus burger. Yeah, nothing says "Premium" like "McDonald's" and "4 dollars." Coming soon: White Castle's opulent $1.50 shake.

$4 may seem like a lot for a McDonald's hamburger but don't forget, you're not paying for the food, you're really paying for the atmosphere.

And in honor of Michael, his favorite commercial ever:

Tomorrow: Obesity. Is fat a problem in the US or not? Leave your comment and I'll talk about it on Friday.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

What Happened to the 80's?

My previous two posts got me thinking about the 1980's. It was a really awesome, fun, over-the-top decade, but what happened to it? A disproportionate number of stars from the day are gone, recluses, tragedy stricken, or straight-up crazy!

Let's just take a look at some of the 80's icons (seriously, I don't even have to write punchlines for these people; their names say it all):
Mike Tyson
Tom Cruise
Michael J. Fox
Sylvester Stallone
Eddie Murphy
Farrah Fawcett
Van Halen (EVERYBODY in the band)
and the biggest star of them all Michael Jackson.

That's not even counting big, but not quite life-altering stars:
Patrick Swayze
Hulk Hogan
Mr. T
Kirk Cameron
David Hasselhoff
Nell Carter
Entire cast of Diff'rent Strokes
Isiah Thomas
Christopher Reeves
Bo Jackson
Sam Kinison
Andrew "Dice" Clay
Dudley Moore
Paul Ruebens a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman
Whitney Houston
Mel Gibson

It's clear Magic Johnson made a deal with the devil. If he allowed Earvin to continue living and become a business king, he would strike down all other stars from the 80's.

Is there one person who thought Prince would be the most normal guy from the 80's in the year 2009?

Headlines are here:

Kevin Jonas is engaged. First MJ, now this! I can only take so much heartbreak.

Kevin Jonas is getting married. Luckily it makes good business sense--his fiancee is Minny Mouse.

Don't worry, even though Kevin Jonas is getting married, he'll still make crappy music and star as a 14 year old in Disney Channel original movies.

GM told it's investors today to not buy their stock. Yeah, I think they probably got that message about 6 months ago.

GM says to not buy it's stock. Hey GM, if you're just realizing this NOW, it's no wonder you are bankrupt.

GM says "Don't buy our stock... Instead please, PLEASE buy our cars!"

And now a little video that I can't get out of my head:

Tomorrow: Health Care: What should we do? Leave a comment today, and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hollywood Loons

OK, we finally get through a day without someone passing away (keep your eyes pealed for the Thriller Killer though, he's still at large)!

Now we can get down to the business of talking about outrageous celebrity behavior. First off, I hate the TMZ culture. I don't care what's going on in an actor's private life, nor should anyone else. However, when someone makes themselves a public embarrassment I believe it is perfectly inbounds to poke fun.

Who do I choose as my favorite Hollywood breakdown?
The contenders: Mariah Carey, Margot Kidder, Charlie Sheen, Christian Slater, Robert Downey Jr., Christian Bale, Courtney Love, Andy Dick, Mel Gibson... wow, the list goes on and on.

My favorite of all-time... drum roll please... Tom Cruise. Why did I pick him? The Oprah couch, the Matt Lauer interview, the Scientology junk, it doesn't cease. He has done more to soil his reputation than any giant star since Michael Jackson. Once you enter that Thunderdrome of weirdness, you ain't never comin' back. On the plus side, there's no drunken/drug-induced dangerous behavior. There's no hateful speech to less powerful people. No racist tirade. Just good old fashioned PR nightmares.

Abbi wrote, "my favorite is when Martin Lawrence stopped traffic. Or Whitney's on-air phone call with Wendy Williams."

After seeing part of "Run-tel-da," it's pretty clear Martin's living in his own world--the land of referring to himself in the third person. Gotta love that he had a loaded gun in his pants at the time--he didn't pull a Plaxico Burress though.

I had to look up the Whitney phone call on YouTube. Am I the only person that didn't know Ms. Houston talks like a 90's gangsta rapper? I like that she's has no fear of publicity poison.

You know, it's kind of fun to see the celebrity breakdown. If you live your life believing you're more important than everybody else, you probably should have a very public shame session.

Headlines are here:

Al Franken has finally been named the winner of the Senate election in Minnesota. Just in time for his term to be over!

Michael Curry was fired as Pistons head coach after only one year on the job after they realized even MARK Curry was a better coach.

Tom Cruise turns 47 this week. Still plenty of good movie making years left, unless John Travolta needs a co-pilot on the spaceship to Mars sooner than expected.

Rumors are floating that Megan Fox is back with Brian Austin Green. The two met while he was cleaning her pool.

Here's a bit o' funny (i.e. let's not take ourselves too seriously):

Tomorrow: What happened to the 80's? Leave your thoughts in the comments and I'll talk about it in tomorrow's post.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Thriller Killer

In Friday's comments Jesse wrote, "I just read that pitchman Billy Mays died. Got one for that?"

OK, this is weird now. Billy Mays? I have a pretty rock solid theory: there is a celebrity serial killer trying to stop me from publishing the "Hollywood Stars Gone Crazy" blog.
After each post, I ask a question for the next day's blog. When the Celebs question was asked, the next Farrah Fawsett succumbs to cancer. I remain undeterred, so they hit me harder with Michael Jackson. They knew I loved him. I had to postpone the blog so I could write about MJ. Now it's Billy Mays. Whoever this killer is, they know my loves in this world: Michael Jackson and infomercials.
I beg anyone with information leading to the arrest or apprehension of this killer, please, PLEASE step forward!
I postpone one more day. If Reggie Miller or Rocky Balboa are found dead tonight, we know my "theory" is not just reality, it has become our national nightmare!

Headlines in the house:

Bernie Madoff was sentences to 150 years in prison, meaning he will be 221 years old when he is set for release. Hey that's prime years for an anti-Christ!

Transformers was #1 at the box office. Produce mindless, talentless garbage and slap a childhood reference in the title and 80's kids will buy anything!

US Soccer lost a close match to Brazil in the finals of the Confederation Cup. Because of their spectacular run through the tournament the team received the highest praise the American public has ever bestowed upon a soccer team: the disinterested sigh.

A fun way to remember Billy Mays:

Tomorrow: Celebrity melt-downs. Abbi has already left a comment that will be addressed. Add yours now.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson

We'll have to postpone the scheduled Friday post until Monday because the news of MJ's death is bigger than any other news story in awhile.

It just can't be real. That's our collective thought right now. Elvis has left the building. MJ has joined him. You don't get bigger than Micheal.

My Michael memories:

In elementary school, my friend Travis had the Michael Jackson LA Gear sneakers (far left in photo).

It was the late 80s/early 90s and it totally wasn't cool to have them. Travis received them as a gift and told everybody they were Michael Jordan's (cause they just said "MJ" on the shoe). Nobody bought it, but to be honest, I wished those were my shoes.

Black Or White debuted and it was overwhelming. Nobody missed the video, and everybody talked about it in school the next day. Great song, but that Macaulay rap lip-sync will always be extremely weird. And it only got stranger from there.

Blaring "Beat It" in my Dad's 1998 Sebring convertible with my friend Grant. This was around 2002 and to be honest, I felt really really cool.

When Scream premiered, I was in early High School. You'd never admit you like Mike, but EVERYBODY watched that video. Teaming up with his superstar sister--even the cool kids were excited.

Now some Headlines:

The news of Michael Jackson's death is tragic. Even worse, TMZ broke the news.

June 25, 2009 will always stand out as a sad day. Farrah Fawcett succumb to cancer, Michael Jackson passed away, and the Pacers drafted Tyler Hansburough. The tri-fecta of bad days.

An autopsy will be performed today to determine Jackson's cause of death. What we may never know is what killed that thing on Donald Trump's head.

Today while preparing breakfast I saw Michael Jackson in a piece of toast, Farrah in my coffee grounds, and Ed McMahon in Cash for Gold commercial in the break room. Is that weird?

Tickets for Michael's 50 sold-out concert dates have now tripled in price on EBay. Apparently some fans didn't quite understand the reports of his death.

James Brown: dead. Michael Jackson: dead. MC Hammer: new TV show. Good to know we still have one legend left.

And here's today's video, Michael Jackson's first TV appearance:

Monday: We'll do yesterday's question--Hollywood stars going crazy in public. Bring up your favorite celebrity breakdown in today's comments and we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Love Gov.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

Hey Walter, did you happen to be a governor too? Cause you nailed what it means to be a politician!

Mark Sanford cheats on his wife with an Argentinian woman pretending, on FATHER'S DAY weekend mind you, to go hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. First of all, who in their right mind hikes in the Appalachians? It's full of Hill Folk that rival NYC's Mole People as the most frightening man-beast legends to ever enter our collective nightmares. Secondly, when did becoming Governor get so hot? McGreevey, Spitzer, and now Sanford.
If you thought it was confined to just Governors think again! David Vitter, Mark Foley, Larry Criag, Ed Schrock, Jack Ryan, Antonio Villaraigosa, Gavin Newsom, Marc Dann, Vito Fossella, Kwame Kilpatrick, John Edwards, Jim Gibbons, and most recently John Ensign have all had their share of disgrace, many of whom were forced to resign. That's a huge list... and that's only since 2004!
Who know becoming a civil servant would rival priesthood for sex scandal?

Headline Time:

Governor Mark Sanford's first explanation of why he went missing for 5 days without telling anyone raised a few eyebrows. He broke a vase in the living room and had just seen a Southwest commercial asking him "Wanna get away?"

There had been anticipation Mark Sanford would run for President in 2012. When asked about this Sanford replied, "Oops."

Mark should have learned from history: First become President THEN have the affair. Did you learn nothing from Clinton?

Two words Gov. Sanford should have remembered before having an affair: John Edwards. On the plus side, at least Mark's wife did not have cancer at the time of the affair.

Stupid Politicians: The reason late night comedians will always work.

How about a less serious political moment:

Tomorrow: Hollywood stars going crazy in public. Bring up your favorite celebrity breakdown in today's comments and we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jon & Kate Plus Hate

So Jon and Kate are getting a divorce after 10 years of marriage and a hit TV show?

My response to this tragic news: Who cares!? Really, are we devoting our time to worrying about a couple that achieved fame solely from having a bunch of kids and showing their dysfunction to the American public? It's a soap opera starring real life people. Instead of wasting time on reality shows, maybe we should devote more time to enjoying REAL LIFE. (Just don't take away my American Chopper--who doesn't love watching those big lugs fight?)

And now it's headline time:

Shocking news, Jon and Kate are getting divorced. Also in "Who Cares News," Todd Bridges and his acting agent have decided to part ways.

Kate Gosselin says, "It feels like I failed." Uhh, yeah, that's because you did. When you say "until death do us part," and you don't do that, you have met the definition of failure.

The Gosselins are divorcing. They will continue to film and live together, however the show will now be know as "The Odd (and Very Uncomfortable) Couple."

If the Gosselin divorce spells doom for their TV show, another talentless couple ready to take their place: Spencer and Heidi Try to Graduate.

Kate Gosselin was quoted as saying, "We've become two different people." Who would have thought that fame, fortune, and the stress of eight children could possibly change someone?

And here's the news right from the horse's mouth:

Tomorrow: Governor Mark Sanford admits to an affair. What's your thoughts on improprieties in public office? Tell me in today's comments and I'll address them tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The NBA Draft

The 2009 NBA draft takes place this Thursday night.

Drafting is like finding a wife at a college party. Most go for the one most appealing at the moment. While it sometimes works out, it usually ends in bitter disappointment because your expectations are too high. She's a flirt, gorgeous, and you can't take your eyes off her. You start dating, get married too soon, invest years and a lot of money before realizing that the relationship just isn't going to work out--All the signs were there! She's selfish, totally uncommitted to team play, and a terrible ball-handler.

And now to address yesterdays comments:
Abbi wrote:
How does the NBA draft its babymamas? Do they have to be young and small-waisted groupies, or old and frumpy high school sweethearts? And what's with going rogue and being a committed husband Tony Parker?
Lets break it down in layman's terms.
Are you physically capable? Are you a woman? Do you think I'm a god?
If you answered yes to zero or more questions, he's willing to make you a babymama regardless of looks, personality, age, etc.
As for Tony Parker-- he's married to someone more famous than he is. Maybe it's easier being faithful when you marry up... or maybe he has one of these Andrei Kirilenko deals worked out.

NBA Headline time:

Today the Nets announced a deal to finalize their move to Brooklyn and added, "We truly appreciate and thank you all for inviting us into your neighborhood, now get out and move to East New York!"

Dirk Nowitzki filled papers to gain sole custody of his unborn child he has fathered with ex-fiancee Crista Ann Taylor. Normally in the NBA you have at least 4 children with a fiancee before you dump them.

Kobe Bryant has won his 4th NBA title. Only 2 more to go--and as we all know: win 3 titles, commit a felony for free.

Shaquille O'Neal is one of the most popular celebrities on Twitter and tweets often. Hey, we'll take anything that keeps him from making movies and rapping.

And the number one pick in the 2014 draft is:

For tomorrow: Jon and Kate--What's your thoughts? Leave your comments here and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Gift

So, Governor Schwarzenegger (seriously, will that ever sound like a real life thing) got in some hot water this week when he sent Senate President Pro Tem Darrell Steinberg a metal sculpture of bull testicles. Steinberg sent the gift back with a "terse note." Whoops, most folks just don't seem to have a taste for testicles no more.

Bottom line: how about we all lighten up a bit. Are these serious issues? Sure, but there will always be serious issues in the world. Let enjoy life and have some fun even while doing worthwhile work. Politicians need to stop with the whole, "Let make someone feel bad for daring to joke around."

Now, some headlines:

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's gag gift of a sculpture of bull testicles was rebuffed by Democrat Darrell Steinberg. Steinberg said he felt weird being the only democrat with balls.

Schwarzenegger's gag gift sculpture was given back when State Senator Steinberg realized that although the first set was free, he was now enrolled in the "Nuts of the Month Club" and thus obligated to purchase 11 more pairs.

Although Darrell Steinberg appreciated Arnold's gesture, he knew he'd only have to give them to his ex-wife in the divorce settlement. Per the agreement, she receives any testicles he possesses or ever will possess.

Darrell Steinberg was disappointed his sculpture was smaller than Sarah Palin's.

And just for some pure enjoyment:

Tomorrow: The NBA draft. Any thoughts? Leave a comment and I'll address it in tomorrow's post.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Did Artie Lange kill on Joe Buck... or just kill the show?

If you don't know about Artie Lange on Joe Buck, see the video below.

HBO is outraged that Artie Lange "hijacked" Joe Buck Live and ruined the show. I've seen it; I don't think Artie's as hilarious as he thinks he was on the show. I don't think he deserves to be called out by the network or Mr. Buck.
Why, you say? Umm, you asked ARTIE LANGE on your show. It's on HBO. You tell him to do his thing. What exactly did you think was going to happen, he was going to come out and talk about his personal relationship with Jesus Christ?
He's a comedian that doesn't mind getting offensive and does it fairly frequently. I'm not exactly sure what the Joe Buck show is supposed to be, but I'm guessing they're not going for the Howard Stern type of audience.
If you don't want that, next time book someone like Craig Ferguson. He's hilarious, can keep a show alive when it's clearly on it's deathbed, and he won't offend your average Joe Buck viewer--HBO or no HBO.

OK, so now some headlines:

Because of his very public verbal gaffs, Artie Lange has just been hired by Joe Biden.

Because of his edginess, Artie Lange has been asked to appear on "The View" in an attempt to get into that exclusive "under 65" audience.

Joe Buck says he is now in favor of waterboarding, not to get information from terrorists but to shut up Artie Lange.

Because of his latest flap on Joe Buck Live, Artie Lange has been cancelled at the Promise Keepers convention.

After Artie Lange's appearance on Joe Buck's new show, even New Jersey is embarrassed by his behavior. Well not ALL of New Jersey, just the people that graduated from High School. In other words Steve is embarrassed.

Artie Lange's head has gotten so big it officially has been given it's own social security number.

Fun Artie Lange Story: A couple weeks ago I'm waiting to do a set at the Comic Strip and I run into Artie--well, I should say he ran past me without making any eye contact. He's with a lady who has a drink and wants to hang out at the bar a bit. Artie says, "No honey, we got to go. I don't want to be rushed by all the fans." Not one person came into the lobby for him! NOT ONE! They all stayed to watch the other comics that followed him, and they were an amazing audience. I had a great set! Funny thing, as soon as I got off stage I told Abbi, "No honey, we got to go. I don't want to be rushed by all the fans."

Monday: Schwarzenegger's testicle sculpture. Got an opinion? Put in in the comments now and we'll talk about it Monday.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Talking Heads vs. Political Comedians

Bill Maher. Dennis Miller. Jon Stewart. Al Franken.

Keith Olbermann. Rush Limbaugh. Bill O'Reilly. Glenn Beck.

These guys are all entertainers. They're not here primarily to inform, they're here to get us to watch. ALL of them. They all have their audiences they play to. Those viewers love saying, "Yes! I agree!" You want to be informed? Read a book... just not Ann Coulter's.

Agree or Disagree? Post a comment.

And now a few headlines:

Keith Olbermann's ratings have dipped to an all-time low. His show is so desperate to get viewers it has taken a controversial new political stance: George W. Bush--4 MORE YEARS!

The movement for Rush Limbaugh to be the voice of the Republican party is gaining momentum especially whenever Sarah Palin speaks. One man remarked, "At least with Rush we can go back to pretending Alaska doesn't exist."

Bill O'Reilly spoke out this week against grapefruit. He said they are quote, "Clearly the citrus is a leftest liberal-- looks appealing on the outside, but inside it's full of bitterness and hypocrisy. We tried to contact the grapefruit. Our calls were not returned."

Glenn Beck just finished his "Common Sense Comedy Tour". The only other comedy tours we'd like to see less: Sean Penn, Al Gore, and Andrew "Dice" Clay.

Tomorrow: Artie Lange ruin Joe Buck's HBO show? Leave your opinion in the comments and I will address it on Friday.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Who's Right: Letterman or Palin?

If you don't know what's going on in the late night comedy/political crossover battle, here's a quick recap.

Abbi posted a comment yesterday: "Letterman was right the first time when he apologized with humor. Unfunny apologies are for funerals."
My spin? He's a comedian. He made a joke. Let's all get over it.

Here's a few replacement monologue jokes about the governor's family trip to Yankee Stadium:
One awkward moment for Sarah Palin, in the seventh inning her daughter was shot up with steroids by Alex Rodriguez.
One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, after being given an Alex Rodriguez her daughter had a choking fit because she mistakenly thought it was October.
One awkward moment for Sarah Palin, because her daughter is such a huge A-Rod fan, Willow left her wife and kids for Madonna.

How about this, how about we treat women with more respect in general?
That being said, other things I noticed from the Late Show's first guest (who happened to be a woman) last night:

Michelle Pfeiffer looks amazing for 90 years old! What's that, she's 50? Oh, yeah still pretty good.

I'm having trouble falling asleep, Michelle would you mind telling us another story?

Michelle says, "I'm not joking." I say, "I don't think you're capable of joking, that implies entertainment."

Here's a great example of a story that had potential to be really interesting, yet somehow is made painfully mundane.

"She's going to tell a Scarface story about fighting for the part, getting fired, getting rehired, then slicing Al Pacino up with glass and spraying blood everywhere?! SNOOZE-FEST!"

Tomorrow: Is there a difference between the likes of Olberman or Limbaugh versus Bill Maher or Dennis Miller? Leave a comment now, and I'll address it in tomorrow's post.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Brett Favre Headlines

Brett Favre has decided to retire at the end of each game and un-retire the Saturday before the next. That way he can set the record for most retirements AND not miss Family Guy.

Brett didn't retire because he's tired of playing, he just loves going-away party cake!

Every time Brett retires he remembers why he keeps coming back to football: millions and millions of dollars.

Sure football is hard on the body, wears out the soul, and beats down your psyche but it's still better than being nagged about taking out the trash.

Even though Favre has broken nearly all quarterbacking records during his exemplary career, he keeps returning to pursue something that has eluded him all these years: breaking a hip on the gridiron.

Brett found out that his broadcasting future isn't as bright as he hoped. TV can only take one backwater redneck throwing around inane pregame commentary and Terry Bradshaw has that on lock down.

Favre wants to come back because he found out this out a couple weeks ago: when he gets hurt mowing his lawn, they don't carry him off in that cool golf cart.

Tomorrow: Palin or Letterman: Who's right? Post a comment about the issue now

Monday, June 15, 2009

The posts shall rise again!

"Hey Luke, how come you haven't posted since 2008?"

Umm, cause I'm busy stupid!

Sorry, that was a little pent up cubicle rage meant for the copy room hog,
not you. You are what's know as "collateral damage."

The real battle in this world isn't between conservatives and liberals,
it's between the corporate world and everything good and holy!

Speaking of:

Top 5 possible things running through his mind right before he goes ballistic:

"Really? Tammy, you think you're going to get away with taking credit for my PowerPoint
presentation again?! "

"Call me Chuck one more time Bill, and you will see what's up."

"My wife makes me want to stick my face in a blender! If somebody says one word to
me today, I swear I will go ape-nuts on this hell-hole."

"What do you mean I'm adopted?!"

"...with my BROTHER!?"

Feel free to add your own in the comment section!
And I promise, more blogs to follow.