Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hollywood Loons

OK, we finally get through a day without someone passing away (keep your eyes pealed for the Thriller Killer though, he's still at large)!

Now we can get down to the business of talking about outrageous celebrity behavior. First off, I hate the TMZ culture. I don't care what's going on in an actor's private life, nor should anyone else. However, when someone makes themselves a public embarrassment I believe it is perfectly inbounds to poke fun.

Who do I choose as my favorite Hollywood breakdown?
The contenders: Mariah Carey, Margot Kidder, Charlie Sheen, Christian Slater, Robert Downey Jr., Christian Bale, Courtney Love, Andy Dick, Mel Gibson... wow, the list goes on and on.

My favorite of all-time... drum roll please... Tom Cruise. Why did I pick him? The Oprah couch, the Matt Lauer interview, the Scientology junk, it doesn't cease. He has done more to soil his reputation than any giant star since Michael Jackson. Once you enter that Thunderdrome of weirdness, you ain't never comin' back. On the plus side, there's no drunken/drug-induced dangerous behavior. There's no hateful speech to less powerful people. No racist tirade. Just good old fashioned PR nightmares.

Abbi wrote, "my favorite is when Martin Lawrence stopped traffic. Or Whitney's on-air phone call with Wendy Williams."

After seeing part of "Run-tel-da," it's pretty clear Martin's living in his own world--the land of referring to himself in the third person. Gotta love that he had a loaded gun in his pants at the time--he didn't pull a Plaxico Burress though.

I had to look up the Whitney phone call on YouTube. Am I the only person that didn't know Ms. Houston talks like a 90's gangsta rapper? I like that she's has no fear of publicity poison.

You know, it's kind of fun to see the celebrity breakdown. If you live your life believing you're more important than everybody else, you probably should have a very public shame session.

Headlines are here:

Al Franken has finally been named the winner of the Senate election in Minnesota. Just in time for his term to be over!

Michael Curry was fired as Pistons head coach after only one year on the job after they realized even MARK Curry was a better coach.

Tom Cruise turns 47 this week. Still plenty of good movie making years left, unless John Travolta needs a co-pilot on the spaceship to Mars sooner than expected.

Rumors are floating that Megan Fox is back with Brian Austin Green. The two met while he was cleaning her pool.

Here's a bit o' funny (i.e. let's not take ourselves too seriously):

Tomorrow: What happened to the 80's? Leave your thoughts in the comments and I'll talk about it in tomorrow's post.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Thriller Killer

In Friday's comments Jesse wrote, "I just read that pitchman Billy Mays died. Got one for that?"

OK, this is weird now. Billy Mays? I have a pretty rock solid theory: there is a celebrity serial killer trying to stop me from publishing the "Hollywood Stars Gone Crazy" blog.
After each post, I ask a question for the next day's blog. When the Celebs question was asked, the next Farrah Fawsett succumbs to cancer. I remain undeterred, so they hit me harder with Michael Jackson. They knew I loved him. I had to postpone the blog so I could write about MJ. Now it's Billy Mays. Whoever this killer is, they know my loves in this world: Michael Jackson and infomercials.
I beg anyone with information leading to the arrest or apprehension of this killer, please, PLEASE step forward!
I postpone one more day. If Reggie Miller or Rocky Balboa are found dead tonight, we know my "theory" is not just reality, it has become our national nightmare!

Headlines in the house:

Bernie Madoff was sentences to 150 years in prison, meaning he will be 221 years old when he is set for release. Hey that's prime years for an anti-Christ!

Transformers was #1 at the box office. Produce mindless, talentless garbage and slap a childhood reference in the title and 80's kids will buy anything!

US Soccer lost a close match to Brazil in the finals of the Confederation Cup. Because of their spectacular run through the tournament the team received the highest praise the American public has ever bestowed upon a soccer team: the disinterested sigh.

A fun way to remember Billy Mays:

Tomorrow: Celebrity melt-downs. Abbi has already left a comment that will be addressed. Add yours now.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson

We'll have to postpone the scheduled Friday post until Monday because the news of MJ's death is bigger than any other news story in awhile.

It just can't be real. That's our collective thought right now. Elvis has left the building. MJ has joined him. You don't get bigger than Micheal.

My Michael memories:

In elementary school, my friend Travis had the Michael Jackson LA Gear sneakers (far left in photo).

It was the late 80s/early 90s and it totally wasn't cool to have them. Travis received them as a gift and told everybody they were Michael Jordan's (cause they just said "MJ" on the shoe). Nobody bought it, but to be honest, I wished those were my shoes.

Black Or White debuted and it was overwhelming. Nobody missed the video, and everybody talked about it in school the next day. Great song, but that Macaulay rap lip-sync will always be extremely weird. And it only got stranger from there.

Blaring "Beat It" in my Dad's 1998 Sebring convertible with my friend Grant. This was around 2002 and to be honest, I felt really really cool.

When Scream premiered, I was in early High School. You'd never admit you like Mike, but EVERYBODY watched that video. Teaming up with his superstar sister--even the cool kids were excited.

Now some Headlines:

The news of Michael Jackson's death is tragic. Even worse, TMZ broke the news.

June 25, 2009 will always stand out as a sad day. Farrah Fawcett succumb to cancer, Michael Jackson passed away, and the Pacers drafted Tyler Hansburough. The tri-fecta of bad days.

An autopsy will be performed today to determine Jackson's cause of death. What we may never know is what killed that thing on Donald Trump's head.

Today while preparing breakfast I saw Michael Jackson in a piece of toast, Farrah in my coffee grounds, and Ed McMahon in Cash for Gold commercial in the break room. Is that weird?

Tickets for Michael's 50 sold-out concert dates have now tripled in price on EBay. Apparently some fans didn't quite understand the reports of his death.

James Brown: dead. Michael Jackson: dead. MC Hammer: new TV show. Good to know we still have one legend left.

And here's today's video, Michael Jackson's first TV appearance:

Monday: We'll do yesterday's question--Hollywood stars going crazy in public. Bring up your favorite celebrity breakdown in today's comments and we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Love Gov.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

Hey Walter, did you happen to be a governor too? Cause you nailed what it means to be a politician!

Mark Sanford cheats on his wife with an Argentinian woman pretending, on FATHER'S DAY weekend mind you, to go hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. First of all, who in their right mind hikes in the Appalachians? It's full of Hill Folk that rival NYC's Mole People as the most frightening man-beast legends to ever enter our collective nightmares. Secondly, when did becoming Governor get so hot? McGreevey, Spitzer, and now Sanford.
If you thought it was confined to just Governors think again! David Vitter, Mark Foley, Larry Criag, Ed Schrock, Jack Ryan, Antonio Villaraigosa, Gavin Newsom, Marc Dann, Vito Fossella, Kwame Kilpatrick, John Edwards, Jim Gibbons, and most recently John Ensign have all had their share of disgrace, many of whom were forced to resign. That's a huge list... and that's only since 2004!
Who know becoming a civil servant would rival priesthood for sex scandal?

Headline Time:

Governor Mark Sanford's first explanation of why he went missing for 5 days without telling anyone raised a few eyebrows. He broke a vase in the living room and had just seen a Southwest commercial asking him "Wanna get away?"

There had been anticipation Mark Sanford would run for President in 2012. When asked about this Sanford replied, "Oops."

Mark should have learned from history: First become President THEN have the affair. Did you learn nothing from Clinton?

Two words Gov. Sanford should have remembered before having an affair: John Edwards. On the plus side, at least Mark's wife did not have cancer at the time of the affair.

Stupid Politicians: The reason late night comedians will always work.

How about a less serious political moment:

Tomorrow: Hollywood stars going crazy in public. Bring up your favorite celebrity breakdown in today's comments and we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jon & Kate Plus Hate

So Jon and Kate are getting a divorce after 10 years of marriage and a hit TV show?

My response to this tragic news: Who cares!? Really, are we devoting our time to worrying about a couple that achieved fame solely from having a bunch of kids and showing their dysfunction to the American public? It's a soap opera starring real life people. Instead of wasting time on reality shows, maybe we should devote more time to enjoying REAL LIFE. (Just don't take away my American Chopper--who doesn't love watching those big lugs fight?)

And now it's headline time:

Shocking news, Jon and Kate are getting divorced. Also in "Who Cares News," Todd Bridges and his acting agent have decided to part ways.

Kate Gosselin says, "It feels like I failed." Uhh, yeah, that's because you did. When you say "until death do us part," and you don't do that, you have met the definition of failure.

The Gosselins are divorcing. They will continue to film and live together, however the show will now be know as "The Odd (and Very Uncomfortable) Couple."

If the Gosselin divorce spells doom for their TV show, another talentless couple ready to take their place: Spencer and Heidi Try to Graduate.

Kate Gosselin was quoted as saying, "We've become two different people." Who would have thought that fame, fortune, and the stress of eight children could possibly change someone?

And here's the news right from the horse's mouth:

Tomorrow: Governor Mark Sanford admits to an affair. What's your thoughts on improprieties in public office? Tell me in today's comments and I'll address them tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The NBA Draft

The 2009 NBA draft takes place this Thursday night.

Drafting is like finding a wife at a college party. Most go for the one most appealing at the moment. While it sometimes works out, it usually ends in bitter disappointment because your expectations are too high. She's a flirt, gorgeous, and you can't take your eyes off her. You start dating, get married too soon, invest years and a lot of money before realizing that the relationship just isn't going to work out--All the signs were there! She's selfish, totally uncommitted to team play, and a terrible ball-handler.

And now to address yesterdays comments:
Abbi wrote:
How does the NBA draft its babymamas? Do they have to be young and small-waisted groupies, or old and frumpy high school sweethearts? And what's with going rogue and being a committed husband Tony Parker?
Lets break it down in layman's terms.
Are you physically capable? Are you a woman? Do you think I'm a god?
If you answered yes to zero or more questions, he's willing to make you a babymama regardless of looks, personality, age, etc.
As for Tony Parker-- he's married to someone more famous than he is. Maybe it's easier being faithful when you marry up... or maybe he has one of these Andrei Kirilenko deals worked out.

NBA Headline time:

Today the Nets announced a deal to finalize their move to Brooklyn and added, "We truly appreciate and thank you all for inviting us into your neighborhood, now get out and move to East New York!"

Dirk Nowitzki filled papers to gain sole custody of his unborn child he has fathered with ex-fiancee Crista Ann Taylor. Normally in the NBA you have at least 4 children with a fiancee before you dump them.

Kobe Bryant has won his 4th NBA title. Only 2 more to go--and as we all know: win 3 titles, commit a felony for free.

Shaquille O'Neal is one of the most popular celebrities on Twitter and tweets often. Hey, we'll take anything that keeps him from making movies and rapping.

And the number one pick in the 2014 draft is:

For tomorrow: Jon and Kate--What's your thoughts? Leave your comments here and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Gift

So, Governor Schwarzenegger (seriously, will that ever sound like a real life thing) got in some hot water this week when he sent Senate President Pro Tem Darrell Steinberg a metal sculpture of bull testicles. Steinberg sent the gift back with a "terse note." Whoops, most folks just don't seem to have a taste for testicles no more.

Bottom line: how about we all lighten up a bit. Are these serious issues? Sure, but there will always be serious issues in the world. Let enjoy life and have some fun even while doing worthwhile work. Politicians need to stop with the whole, "Let make someone feel bad for daring to joke around."

Now, some headlines:

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's gag gift of a sculpture of bull testicles was rebuffed by Democrat Darrell Steinberg. Steinberg said he felt weird being the only democrat with balls.

Schwarzenegger's gag gift sculpture was given back when State Senator Steinberg realized that although the first set was free, he was now enrolled in the "Nuts of the Month Club" and thus obligated to purchase 11 more pairs.

Although Darrell Steinberg appreciated Arnold's gesture, he knew he'd only have to give them to his ex-wife in the divorce settlement. Per the agreement, she receives any testicles he possesses or ever will possess.

Darrell Steinberg was disappointed his sculpture was smaller than Sarah Palin's.

And just for some pure enjoyment:

Tomorrow: The NBA draft. Any thoughts? Leave a comment and I'll address it in tomorrow's post.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Did Artie Lange kill on Joe Buck... or just kill the show?

If you don't know about Artie Lange on Joe Buck, see the video below.

HBO is outraged that Artie Lange "hijacked" Joe Buck Live and ruined the show. I've seen it; I don't think Artie's as hilarious as he thinks he was on the show. I don't think he deserves to be called out by the network or Mr. Buck.
Why, you say? Umm, you asked ARTIE LANGE on your show. It's on HBO. You tell him to do his thing. What exactly did you think was going to happen, he was going to come out and talk about his personal relationship with Jesus Christ?
He's a comedian that doesn't mind getting offensive and does it fairly frequently. I'm not exactly sure what the Joe Buck show is supposed to be, but I'm guessing they're not going for the Howard Stern type of audience.
If you don't want that, next time book someone like Craig Ferguson. He's hilarious, can keep a show alive when it's clearly on it's deathbed, and he won't offend your average Joe Buck viewer--HBO or no HBO.

OK, so now some headlines:

Because of his very public verbal gaffs, Artie Lange has just been hired by Joe Biden.

Because of his edginess, Artie Lange has been asked to appear on "The View" in an attempt to get into that exclusive "under 65" audience.

Joe Buck says he is now in favor of waterboarding, not to get information from terrorists but to shut up Artie Lange.

Because of his latest flap on Joe Buck Live, Artie Lange has been cancelled at the Promise Keepers convention.

After Artie Lange's appearance on Joe Buck's new show, even New Jersey is embarrassed by his behavior. Well not ALL of New Jersey, just the people that graduated from High School. In other words Steve is embarrassed.

Artie Lange's head has gotten so big it officially has been given it's own social security number.

Fun Artie Lange Story: A couple weeks ago I'm waiting to do a set at the Comic Strip and I run into Artie--well, I should say he ran past me without making any eye contact. He's with a lady who has a drink and wants to hang out at the bar a bit. Artie says, "No honey, we got to go. I don't want to be rushed by all the fans." Not one person came into the lobby for him! NOT ONE! They all stayed to watch the other comics that followed him, and they were an amazing audience. I had a great set! Funny thing, as soon as I got off stage I told Abbi, "No honey, we got to go. I don't want to be rushed by all the fans."

Monday: Schwarzenegger's testicle sculpture. Got an opinion? Put in in the comments now and we'll talk about it Monday.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Talking Heads vs. Political Comedians

Bill Maher. Dennis Miller. Jon Stewart. Al Franken.

Keith Olbermann. Rush Limbaugh. Bill O'Reilly. Glenn Beck.

These guys are all entertainers. They're not here primarily to inform, they're here to get us to watch. ALL of them. They all have their audiences they play to. Those viewers love saying, "Yes! I agree!" You want to be informed? Read a book... just not Ann Coulter's.

Agree or Disagree? Post a comment.

And now a few headlines:

Keith Olbermann's ratings have dipped to an all-time low. His show is so desperate to get viewers it has taken a controversial new political stance: George W. Bush--4 MORE YEARS!

The movement for Rush Limbaugh to be the voice of the Republican party is gaining momentum especially whenever Sarah Palin speaks. One man remarked, "At least with Rush we can go back to pretending Alaska doesn't exist."

Bill O'Reilly spoke out this week against grapefruit. He said they are quote, "Clearly the citrus is a leftest liberal-- looks appealing on the outside, but inside it's full of bitterness and hypocrisy. We tried to contact the grapefruit. Our calls were not returned."

Glenn Beck just finished his "Common Sense Comedy Tour". The only other comedy tours we'd like to see less: Sean Penn, Al Gore, and Andrew "Dice" Clay.

Tomorrow: Artie Lange ruin Joe Buck's HBO show? Leave your opinion in the comments and I will address it on Friday.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Who's Right: Letterman or Palin?

If you don't know what's going on in the late night comedy/political crossover battle, here's a quick recap.

Abbi posted a comment yesterday: "Letterman was right the first time when he apologized with humor. Unfunny apologies are for funerals."
My spin? He's a comedian. He made a joke. Let's all get over it.

Here's a few replacement monologue jokes about the governor's family trip to Yankee Stadium:
One awkward moment for Sarah Palin, in the seventh inning her daughter was shot up with steroids by Alex Rodriguez.
One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, after being given an Alex Rodriguez her daughter had a choking fit because she mistakenly thought it was October.
One awkward moment for Sarah Palin, because her daughter is such a huge A-Rod fan, Willow left her wife and kids for Madonna.

How about this, how about we treat women with more respect in general?
That being said, other things I noticed from the Late Show's first guest (who happened to be a woman) last night:

Michelle Pfeiffer looks amazing for 90 years old! What's that, she's 50? Oh, yeah still pretty good.

I'm having trouble falling asleep, Michelle would you mind telling us another story?

Michelle says, "I'm not joking." I say, "I don't think you're capable of joking, that implies entertainment."

Here's a great example of a story that had potential to be really interesting, yet somehow is made painfully mundane.

"She's going to tell a Scarface story about fighting for the part, getting fired, getting rehired, then slicing Al Pacino up with glass and spraying blood everywhere?! SNOOZE-FEST!"

Tomorrow: Is there a difference between the likes of Olberman or Limbaugh versus Bill Maher or Dennis Miller? Leave a comment now, and I'll address it in tomorrow's post.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Brett Favre Headlines

Brett Favre has decided to retire at the end of each game and un-retire the Saturday before the next. That way he can set the record for most retirements AND not miss Family Guy.

Brett didn't retire because he's tired of playing, he just loves going-away party cake!

Every time Brett retires he remembers why he keeps coming back to football: millions and millions of dollars.

Sure football is hard on the body, wears out the soul, and beats down your psyche but it's still better than being nagged about taking out the trash.

Even though Favre has broken nearly all quarterbacking records during his exemplary career, he keeps returning to pursue something that has eluded him all these years: breaking a hip on the gridiron.

Brett found out that his broadcasting future isn't as bright as he hoped. TV can only take one backwater redneck throwing around inane pregame commentary and Terry Bradshaw has that on lock down.

Favre wants to come back because he found out this out a couple weeks ago: when he gets hurt mowing his lawn, they don't carry him off in that cool golf cart.

Tomorrow: Palin or Letterman: Who's right? Post a comment about the issue now

Monday, June 15, 2009

The posts shall rise again!

"Hey Luke, how come you haven't posted since 2008?"

Umm, cause I'm busy stupid!

Sorry, that was a little pent up cubicle rage meant for the copy room hog,
not you. You are what's know as "collateral damage."

The real battle in this world isn't between conservatives and liberals,
it's between the corporate world and everything good and holy!

Speaking of:

Top 5 possible things running through his mind right before he goes ballistic:

"Really? Tammy, you think you're going to get away with taking credit for my PowerPoint
presentation again?! "

"Call me Chuck one more time Bill, and you will see what's up."

"My wife makes me want to stick my face in a blender! If somebody says one word to
me today, I swear I will go ape-nuts on this hell-hole."

"What do you mean I'm adopted?!"

"...with my BROTHER!?"

Feel free to add your own in the comment section!
And I promise, more blogs to follow.