Seriously, they're back... check out these puppies! That's right boys and girls, Zubaz are back with a vengeance.
When I was in 6th grade, these were THE coolest pants to have. I can't stress to you enough how awesome I thought these pants would make me. You needed two things to be cool at age 12 in 1992, a pair of Jordans and a pair of Zubaz. Luckily for me, my parents felt it would be more appropriate to get me shoes at payless and buy me purple biker shorts. This is the only image on the internet of a man wearing these. On second look, I'm not even sure that it's a man. Those don't look good on anybody. On a little fat boy it's just disturbing. He's standing near classic muscle cars while wearing a helmet to show you how rad he/she/shim is!
So now's my second chance. I can get those Jordans and Zubaz I always wanted and FINALLY be cool! If I do it will you be my Facebook friend?
After you watch this video, you'll know what I'm talkin' 'bout!
I ate a Christmas bulb ornament. No not this year! When I was 4. I was young but I wasn't stupid. I knew it wasn't a real apple, but I still thought it would be a good idea to take a bite out of it. I was using my imagination, however glass doesn't play pretend. I calmly told my parents, "Father, Mother, I seem to have a shard of glass in my gums. Wouldn't you be so kind as to take me to the hospital." Well like any set good hysterical parents they burned rubber to the local emergency room. Even though this was 1983 rual Missouri, the medical community was surprisingly slow. While waiting I finally got the glass out with my tongue. So in way I gave my dad what any parent wants, a big medical bill for absolutely no reason. And because of this incident, our trees were shockingly bare for the first 4 feet and my dad still would only let me use a preschool train set when I was in Junior High. Ah, warm Christmas memories.
Gotta love this video:
Next: How to ring in the New Year. How did you do it this year? Have a favorite one?
Sorry readers (or should I say "reader") for the long delay in writing. It got kinda busy around here on the comedy scene. Lots of shows (check one out if you haven't been to one in awhile or ever). Besides my normal bookings I started hosting a new show in Harlem as well as the return of The Living Room in Brooklyn.
Okay, now the wedgie story:
I had a nemesis in elementary school. His name is Justin. He was the popular cool kid. He didn't like nerds or fat kids and I was both. From Kindergarten on he was always nasty to me--always trying to make me feel like I wasn't worthy of breathing the same air as his highness. We did our best to stay away from each other. He didn't go out of his way to pick on me, that would mean he'd have to acknowledge my existence, but he made his feelings well known when able. This changed in 6th grade. We both had a mutual friend for once, Ben. Ben was one of those free spirits who'd be friends with anybody. He was a cool kid but didn't care if you were or not. He just wanted to have fun. He and his brothers were the wild boys and they lived a couple doors down from Justin and therefore they hung out a lot. Ben had befriended me, so we played together a few days a week. For the first time out of our seven years together, Justin and I were forced into the same social situations. At first he didn't hide his disdain for me, but after awhile he eased up a bit. If Ben liked me, well then maybe I wasn't a complete dork. Oh if only that could have lasted. I finally had gotten to the point where Justin and I could have a discussion. Sure it usually consisted of him giving his opinion on Michael Jordan or Ken Griffy Jr., me giving mine, and then scoffing and acting like I was a moron. But it was a start--things were moving in the right direction. Then on a fateful Saturday afternoon we were all playing freeze-tag. We played for an hour or s0--just long enough to get bored with it. Then a wrestling match began, because that's what boys do when they get bored with freeze-tag. Now when boys wrestle it often turns into gang up on the fat kid and do something embarrassing to him. This time it was wedgie day. As Justin, Ben, and the other wild boys teamed up on me, pinned me down, and yanked my underwear to the moon I heard loud screeches of laughter. I knew wedgie laughter, trust me any fat kid who's gone through a day in gym class knows those laughs. This was different. Then the comment I will never forget, "He's wearing Big Foot Underoos!" My usual embarrassment gave way to utter horror. I was wearing Underoos with a picture of Big Foot, the monster truck. Underoos were a social death sentence in 4th grade, let alone 6th! I don't remember what happened next. I think I blacked out and have repressed the memories of the events immediately following the wedgie. I do however know the consequences. Justin never spoke a word to me again--not even a word of hate. I ceased to exist. If I was in a room he looked through me like a pane of glass. All the way through High School not one more word, even to this day. I don't know what happened to Justin, Facebook and Myspace haven't provided much. All I can hope for is that some day he comes to a show and when he does I'll say, "Hey I'm still wearing the Big Foot Underoos--it's called being a hipster, I was just ahead of my time."
Okay, I saw these guys on Sunday:
Next: We'll talk about office farts. Got any stories?
Part 1: The year is 1989. I am in 3rd grade and Batman is THE COOLEST thing that has ever existed. I have the toys! I have the comics! I have the shirt! I even have the cereal! But something is missing, the soundtrack! My mom often took me with her on trips to the store. Groceries were a weekly occurrence, every Friday to Cub Foods. About once a week we would stop by Big & Small Lots, F&M Drugstore, and Phar-mor. (By the way, Cub, F&M, and Phar-mor are all extinct, and Big Lots dropped the "& small" from the name. Even the strip mall, Eastgate Consumer, in Indianapolis is dead an gone. Time to feel old?) On one of these trips, I noticed a glimmer in the cassette tape section--yes, it was Batman! I had to have it! I beg my mother to please, please, PLEASE let me have it. She sees it is from Prince, and being the good Christian mother she is, I am denied. Instead I am given the Batman read-a-long comic book with it's own cassette tape. I see no difference. A Batman tape is a Batman tape. At least that's what I thought...
Now for a few headlines:
Brett Favre has decided to sign with the Vikings. He's out to break the record for most retirements in one season.
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has joined Dancing with the Stars. He's there to revitalize the spirit of the repressed Republican townspeople and get Rock 'n Roll back in time for the prom!
Paula Abdul is rethinking a return to American Idol. Who does she think she is, Brett Favre?
This is the only Batman movie my mom wanted me see:
I didn't win. But that's the great thing about being an adult, you can afford to make a couple childhood dreams come true. Usually what kids want, are pretty cheap. It's not Ferrieres and Prada bags that kids want. They want a pair of Jordan's or Star Wars villiage (at least I did).
That actually reminds me, when I was 5 years old, my mom melted my He-Man action figures in the dishwasher (they were dirty, that's why they were in there!). I was crushed. Ever since then, I've wanted to replace the collection. Anybody know where I can get a Moss-Man and Skinkor?
Abbi wrote, "I get nostalgic about the toys I used to play with and the food I used to eat as a kid." Ahh, I still eat the food from when I was a kid: Fruity Pebbles, Pop-Tarts, Kentucky Fried Chicken... let's be honest, my mom didn't cook much. As for the toys, buy yourself that Easy Bake Oven already! Why not? I'm getting those Rambo guns when I find them.
Droppin headlines:
Paula Abdul not coming back to American Idol. On the bright side, she was so doped up she didn't even know she was there in the first place.
What will American Idol do without Paula? Probably keep on producing a show that we can all look back on in 30 years and say, "What drugs were we on that made us think this was a good idea?"
And for old time's sake:
Tomorrow: Michael Vick is a free man. Should he return to the NFL? Leave your comments in today's post and I'll talk about it tomorrow.
I used to visit my Grandma Fry a couple times a year. She lived in a super small town in Illinois call Salem. She ate at the same few restaurants ever week. One of those places (I don't remember the name but I do remember it had a big chicken on the sign) sold baseball cards at the checkout. I talked my mom into getting me a pack of Topps. It was 1987 and in the pack was a Bo Jackson rookie card. Very few memories have the privilege of having a date attached. Her favorite place was Little Egypt Pancake House. I like it too because it had an arcade machine that had 10 Nintendo games on it--my favorite being Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Even if my mom wouldn't give me any more quarters to play, I'd watch the screen demos. Hey, it was that or sit and watch Grandma gum her tuna salad.
Today's headlines:
Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo break up days before her 29th birthday. Rumors are already swirling that Romo wants to hook up with his ex--Terrell Owens.
Molly Ringwald had twins this weekend. Is it wrong that I hope the father is Judd Nelson?
Jon Gosselin seen with new girlfriend in the French Rivera. No better way to show how committed you are to your kids than taking off to France with a 22 year old.
Jon Gosselin was seen with a 22 year old in France this weekend. Jon, you're supposed to take your children to Euro Disney, not your mistress.
Sotomayer is in confirmation hearings today. The one person who wants her confirmation even more than she does: Horatio Sans. He's been looking for a reason to return to SNL for years!
As you watch this video, think about at 8 year old fat kid dumping quarters into it at Little Egypt:
Tomorrow: Sarah Palin's getting hit hard by her former-future-son-in-law. What's your thoughts? Put them in the comments and I'll talk about it tomorrow.
This is the only image on the internet of a man wearing these. On second look, I'm not even sure that it's a man. Those don't look good on anybody. On a little fat boy it's just disturbing. He's standing near classic muscle cars while wearing a helmet to show you how rad he/she/shim is!
