Spillin' the beans

So Levi Johnston's telling us all why Sarah Palin resigned: money. She wants money he says--lucrative book and TV deals.
Ummm Levi, shut up. I got news for you, we already knew that. It's not a real mystery why she resigned. The media might be pretending it is, but come on. Alaska, and the good people of, are not a big enough stage. She's tasted fame and she has no intention of going back to seeing Russia from her back yard. It's Dolce & Gabbana time. She's like a tiger that's tasted human blood, you have to put them down or they're coming for your kids.
We saw it just a few weeks ago. Sarah and her family blew a Letterman joke way out of perportion in order to get attention. She's coming down here with the rest of us whether you like it or not. And it'll probably be in prime time!

Now today's headlines:

Artie Lange was charged with a DUI this weekend. It's not shocking that he got caught for at DUI, just that it took so long!

Artie Lange was arrested on DUI charges. Give him credit, he continues to add to his impressive inebriation resume. Only thing left: passing out in a stranger's Brentwood living room... again.

Artie Lange made it clear his DUI charge was just research for his new book, "Too Drunk Fat Eat Slur Fish."


And for a good laugh call:



Tomorrow: How come rich people suck so much? Leave a comment today and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

Peter King, not cool dude.

So Representative Peter King thought, "Hey, Michael Jackson's death has affected a couple billion people: perfect time to rip him a new one."

Yeah, Mr. King (no, no relation to MLK--surprise surprise this one is whiter than a klansman's dandruff) decides it is perfectly acceptable to rip into MJ a couple days before his funeral because he thinks the entire world is making a mistake by "honoring a pervert." Yeah, there's no perversion in the political world. Watch, he's going to end up with little boys' bodies in his basement.

Oh lucky me, he's in New York and wants to run for the Senate. Maybe we should all reach out and let the congressman know exactly how much of a Peter he really is. I know I'll love voting against him... if he makes it that far.

Headlines:

Sylvester Stallone turned 63 this week. Ahh, a birthday for every Rocky sequel.

Fred Savage turns 33 on July 9th. Seriously, he's only 33? I swear he's been in show business for at least 34 years.

A teacher in Maine is in trouble for having a mock marriage to one of his 4th graders. Don't worry, marrying a 4th grader hasn't hurt Woody Allen's career.

Look for the new Fox show, "Are you married to a 4th grader?" this fall.

Abbi got me looking for this:

Tomorrow: Who's the next world Icon?

Health Care for all?

I decided to take a look at this whole health care reform thing for myself. So, what's my thoughts and conclusions? At this rate, I don't think we're getting much at all now or anytime soon. There's sooo much money and power behind the current system, and we all know how hard it is keeping the rich from getting richer.

So here's the plan: We will TMZ them! Track down everybody with power and control in the health insurance game--those making millions off the backs of the middle class. Take pictures, write articles, print rags showing how they hang out with bat boy and own the elephant man's bones. We'll print a list of them, and every time you see them in public rush over like it's 1965 and they're the Beatles. Trust me, 6 weeks of living like Elvis did and this insurance folks will BEG us for universal health care. If that doesn't work, throw all their tea in Boston Harbor!

Now your thoughts:

Crutch writes, "as far as health care goes...get rid of middle-men insurance companies...it's bc of them that prices continue to sky-rocket. they are only interested in profits."

OK, OK. I'll admit this is sounds much more reasonable than my plan. But I think you'll have to admit mine is much more fun. Make those turds suffer the way they've made decent Americans suffer!

Headlines:

McDonald's has come out with the new Angus burger. Finally, what we've been waiting for: A $4 burger and $20 diarrhea .

McDonald's released the new Premium $4 Angus burger. Yeah, nothing says "Premium" like "McDonald's" and "4 dollars." Coming soon: White Castle's opulent $1.50 shake.

$4 may seem like a lot for a McDonald's hamburger but don't forget, you're not paying for the food, you're really paying for the atmosphere.

And in honor of Michael, his favorite commercial ever:

Tomorrow: Obesity. Is fat a problem in the US or not? Leave your comment and I'll talk about it on Friday.

The Love Gov.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

Hey Walter, did you happen to be a governor too? Cause you nailed what it means to be a politician!

Mark Sanford cheats on his wife with an Argentinian woman pretending, on FATHER'S DAY weekend mind you, to go hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. First of all, who in their right mind hikes in the Appalachians? It's full of Hill Folk that rival NYC's Mole People as the most frightening man-beast legends to ever enter our collective nightmares. Secondly, when did becoming Governor get so hot? McGreevey, Spitzer, and now Sanford.

If you thought it was confined to just Governors think again! David Vitter, Mark Foley, Larry Criag, Ed Schrock, Jack Ryan, Antonio Villaraigosa, Gavin Newsom, Marc Dann, Vito Fossella, Kwame Kilpatrick, John Edwards, Jim Gibbons, and most recently John Ensign have all had their share of disgrace, many of whom were forced to resign. That's a huge list... and that's only since 2004!

Who know becoming a civil servant would rival priesthood for sex scandal?

Headline Time:

Governor Mark Sanford's first explanation of why he went missing for 5 days without telling anyone raised a few eyebrows. He broke a vase in the living room and had just seen a Southwest commercial asking him "Wanna get away?"

There had been anticipation Mark Sanford would run for President in 2012. When asked about this Sanford replied, "Oops."

Mark should have learned from history: First become President THEN have the affair. Did you learn nothing from Clinton?

Two words Gov. Sanford should have remembered before having an affair: John Edwards. On the plus side, at least Mark's wife did not have cancer at the time of the affair.

Stupid Politicians: The reason late night comedians will always work.

How about a less serious political moment:

Tomorrow: Hollywood stars going crazy in public. Bring up your favorite celebrity breakdown in today's comments and we'll talk about it tomorrow.

The Gift

So, Governor Schwarzenegger (seriously, will that ever sound like a real life thing) got in some hot water this week when he sent Senate President Pro Tem Darrell Steinberg a metal sculpture of bull testicles. Steinberg sent the gift back with a "terse note." Whoops, most folks just don't seem to have a taste for testicles no more.

Bottom line: how about we all lighten up a bit. Are these serious issues? Sure, but there will always be serious issues in the world. Let enjoy life and have some fun even while doing worthwhile work. Politicians need to stop with the whole, "Let make someone feel bad for daring to joke around."

Now, some headlines:

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's gag gift of a sculpture of bull testicles was rebuffed by Democrat Darrell Steinberg. Steinberg said he felt weird being the only democrat with balls.

Schwarzenegger's gag gift sculpture was given back when State Senator Steinberg realized that although the first set was free, he was now enrolled in the "Nuts of the Month Club" and thus obligated to purchase 11 more pairs.

Although Darrell Steinberg appreciated Arnold's gesture, he knew he'd only have to give them to his ex-wife in the divorce settlement. Per the agreement, she receives any testicles he possesses or ever will possess.

Darrell Steinberg was disappointed his sculpture was smaller than Sarah Palin's.

And just for some pure enjoyment:

Tomorrow: The NBA draft. Any thoughts? Leave a comment and I'll address it in tomorrow's post.

Talking Heads vs. Political Comedians

Bill Maher. Dennis Miller. Jon Stewart. Al Franken.

Keith Olbermann. Rush Limbaugh. Bill O'Reilly. Glenn Beck.

These guys are all entertainers. They're not here primarily to inform, they're here to get us to watch. ALL of them. They all have their audiences they play to. Those viewers love saying, "Yes! I agree!" You want to be informed? Read a book... just not Ann Coulter's.

Agree or Disagree? Post a comment.

And now a few headlines:

Keith Olbermann's ratings have dipped to an all-time low. His show is so desperate to get viewers it has taken a controversial new political stance: George W. Bush--4 MORE YEARS!

The movement for Rush Limbaugh to be the voice of the Republican party is gaining momentum especially whenever Sarah Palin speaks. One man remarked, "At least with Rush we can go back to pretending Alaska doesn't exist."

Bill O'Reilly spoke out this week against grapefruit. He said they are quote, "Clearly the citrus is a leftest liberal-- looks appealing on the outside, but inside it's full of bitterness and hypocrisy. We tried to contact the grapefruit. Our calls were not returned."

Glenn Beck just finished his "Common Sense Comedy Tour". The only other comedy tours we'd like to see less: Sean Penn, Al Gore, and Andrew "Dice" Clay.

Tomorrow: Artie Lange ruin Joe Buck's HBO show? Leave your opinion in the comments and I will address it on Friday.

Who's Right: Letterman or Palin?

If you don't know what's going on in the late night comedy/political crossover battle, here's a quick recap.

Abbi posted a comment yesterday: "Letterman was right the first time when he apologized with humor. Unfunny apologies are for funerals."

My spin? He's a comedian. He made a joke. Let's all get over it.

Here's a few replacement monologue jokes about the governor's family trip to Yankee Stadium:

One awkward moment for Sarah Palin, in the seventh inning her daughter was shot up with steroids by Alex Rodriguez.

OR

One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, after being given an Alex Rodriguez her daughter had a choking fit because she mistakenly thought it was October.

OR

One awkward moment for Sarah Palin, because her daughter is such a huge A-Rod fan, Willow left her wife and kids for Madonna.

How about this, how about we treat women with more respect in general?

That being said, other things I noticed from the Late Show's first guest (who happened to be a woman) last night:

Michelle Pfeiffer looks amazing for 90 years old! What's that, she's 50? Oh, yeah still pretty good.

I'm having trouble falling asleep, Michelle would you mind telling us another story?

Michelle says, "I'm not joking." I say, "I don't think you're capable of joking, that implies entertainment."

Here's a great example of a story that had potential to be really interesting, yet somehow is made painfully mundane.

"She's going to tell a Scarface story about fighting for the part, getting fired, getting rehired, then slicing Al Pacino up with glass and spraying blood everywhere?! SNOOZE-FEST!"

Tomorrow: Is there a difference between the likes of Olberman or Limbaugh versus Bill Maher or Dennis Miller? Leave a comment now, and I'll address it in tomorrow's post.