I ate a Christmas bulb ornament. No not this year! When I was 4. I was young but I wasn't stupid. I knew it wasn't a real apple, but I still thought it would be a good idea to take a bite out of it. I was using my imagination, however glass doesn't play pretend. I calmly told my parents, "Father, Mother, I seem to have a shard of glass in my gums. Wouldn't you be so kind as to take me to the hospital." Well like any set good hysterical parents they burned rubber to the local emergency room. Even though this was 1983 rual Missouri, the medical community was surprisingly slow. While waiting I finally got the glass out with my tongue. So in way I gave my dad what any parent wants, a big medical bill for absolutely no reason. And because of this incident, our trees were shockingly bare for the first 4 feet and my dad still would only let me use a preschool train set when I was in Junior High. Ah, warm Christmas memories.
Gotta love this video:
Next: How to ring in the New Year. How did you do it this year? Have a favorite one?
How time can get away from you when you're busy! It's been a little over a month since I last wrote an entry. I'll make up for it by posting my Green Jokes rejected by Letterman. 1. Republicans have gained unfair criticism for being anti-environment considering they’ve been running their party on wind for years. 2. On the heals of “An Inconvenient Truth,” Al Gore has just released “Our Choice” urging the public to make radical changes for the environment cautioning, “if we don’t change now, I’ll release another book.” 3. America finally got a wake up call about Global Warming this week when it was announce the Coca-Cola polar bear drowned due to ice cap melting. 4. Due to melting ice caps, Santa has been forced to move his workshop operations to India. 5. Climate change has wreaked havoc across the globe the past decade with a dramatic increase in temperatures, vast death of wild life, and increased frequency and destructive power of tropical storms. But on the plus side, Milwaukee is almost bearable in November. 6. Climate change has caused an increase in migratory wildlife patterns, causing some predatory animals to seek refuge in territories they don’t belong. In a related story, Sarah Palin has left Alaska to embark on her lower 48 book tour beginning Nov. 18. 7. With dozens of new green cars coming out ever year, the green initiative has found scores of new was for guys to not get dates. Once you go green, you’ll never be seen. 8. Hollywood is often ahead of the curve on environment affairs: Ms. Piggy went green years ago. 9. Biofuels are getting some criticism for harming the world’s corn supply. Luckily a new biofuel is being made out of a food supply nobody will miss: White Castle. 10. Al Gore decided to go with “Our Choice” as his next book rather than his original idea, “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” 11. California continues to lead the way in Green technology. In fact, Joan Rivers now runs on biofuel. 12. If the world wants to get rid of some green house gasses, I suggest we get my dad to stop ordering Dominos. 13. Trucking companies have been slow to adopt clean energy. Not surprising since they have been slow to adopt clean truckers. 14. Jay Leno is a big proponent of green cars, which is ironic considering his car collection accounts for nearly half of US emissions. 15. Beer makers are now able to recover nearly 50% of energy cost from leftovers. This is great news for Mel Gibson. 16. KFC has gone green; they’ve chosen to combine all their food into one slop bowl. Trust me, that’s turned a lot of people green. 17. China has declared that they will be leading the world in green energy. I don’t know about you, but when I think green, I think China. 18. Just to be clear China’s green world pledge excludes anything in their products that could kill your kids or pets. 19. A new study shows that Hillbillies are the greenest people; no electricity usage and their restroom is a bush. 20. Many big corporations are now going green. GM and Chrysler are doing their part by making sure none of their cars are on the road. And in the spirit of Christmas:
Next time: It's Christmas story time! Got one of your own?
It never fails, every time I've farted in an office situation a female co-worker decides that's the appropriate moment to ask me a long winded (no pun intended) question. I had been sitting at my desk without one person talking to me ALL DAY, I finally rip one and then this gal decides it's time to talk to me about the new Avatar trailer. I couldn't care less about the trailer even if I wasn't surrounded by a green cloud. I call this the Gaseous Murphy's Law. If something bad can happen in my pants, it will and everyone will catch me.
Any stories yourself?
Some recent headlines:
Balloon Boy was a popular costume this Halloween. Interestingly, the Heene's dressed as a NORMAL family.
Adam Lambert and his boyfriend have split up. Of course this means a new reality show staring Lambert and Gosselin: Kate Plus Dead-weight.
Jay Leno says he'd return to The Tonight Show if NBC asked. Hey Jay, no one's asking!
Today's Video-Exercise isn't always worth it:
Next time: Best Holidays. What's your favorite? Leave in the comment section below.
Sorry readers (or should I say "reader") for the long delay in writing. It got kinda busy around here on the comedy scene. Lots of shows (check one out if you haven't been to one in awhile or ever). Besides my normal bookings I started hosting a new show in Harlem as well as the return of The Living Room in Brooklyn.
Okay, now the wedgie story:
I had a nemesis in elementary school. His name is Justin. He was the popular cool kid. He didn't like nerds or fat kids and I was both. From Kindergarten on he was always nasty to me--always trying to make me feel like I wasn't worthy of breathing the same air as his highness. We did our best to stay away from each other. He didn't go out of his way to pick on me, that would mean he'd have to acknowledge my existence, but he made his feelings well known when able. This changed in 6th grade. We both had a mutual friend for once, Ben. Ben was one of those free spirits who'd be friends with anybody. He was a cool kid but didn't care if you were or not. He just wanted to have fun. He and his brothers were the wild boys and they lived a couple doors down from Justin and therefore they hung out a lot. Ben had befriended me, so we played together a few days a week. For the first time out of our seven years together, Justin and I were forced into the same social situations. At first he didn't hide his disdain for me, but after awhile he eased up a bit. If Ben liked me, well then maybe I wasn't a complete dork. Oh if only that could have lasted. I finally had gotten to the point where Justin and I could have a discussion. Sure it usually consisted of him giving his opinion on Michael Jordan or Ken Griffy Jr., me giving mine, and then scoffing and acting like I was a moron. But it was a start--things were moving in the right direction. Then on a fateful Saturday afternoon we were all playing freeze-tag. We played for an hour or s0--just long enough to get bored with it. Then a wrestling match began, because that's what boys do when they get bored with freeze-tag. Now when boys wrestle it often turns into gang up on the fat kid and do something embarrassing to him. This time it was wedgie day. As Justin, Ben, and the other wild boys teamed up on me, pinned me down, and yanked my underwear to the moon I heard loud screeches of laughter. I knew wedgie laughter, trust me any fat kid who's gone through a day in gym class knows those laughs. This was different. Then the comment I will never forget, "He's wearing Big Foot Underoos!" My usual embarrassment gave way to utter horror. I was wearing Underoos with a picture of Big Foot, the monster truck. Underoos were a social death sentence in 4th grade, let alone 6th! I don't remember what happened next. I think I blacked out and have repressed the memories of the events immediately following the wedgie. I do however know the consequences. Justin never spoke a word to me again--not even a word of hate. I ceased to exist. If I was in a room he looked through me like a pane of glass. All the way through High School not one more word, even to this day. I don't know what happened to Justin, Facebook and Myspace haven't provided much. All I can hope for is that some day he comes to a show and when he does I'll say, "Hey I'm still wearing the Big Foot Underoos--it's called being a hipster, I was just ahead of my time."
Okay, I saw these guys on Sunday:
Next: We'll talk about office farts. Got any stories?
