It's here: the NEW McDLT!

I was just saying to my friends, I'm tired of lettuce and tomato hamburgers in this town that don't "quite make it" (and I think you know EXACTLY what I mean by that, don't you Good Burger?!). And then I saw this commercial today! A beacon from heaven, here from God to show me the true path of sandwich enlightenment!

We're not talking Mac Tonight or Ronald ice skating or the weird Birdie and Grimace commercials, we're talking about keeping your hot hot (mmmm, I LOVE a hot bun soaked with grease, it's the "good soggy") and your cool cool (it's appalling to think of the garbage filled with warm, limp veggies).

By the way, great idea putting the cheese on the "cool" side. Nothing I like better than a firm piece of government grade dairy stuck completely unmelted between veggies.

Thank you McDonalds! You've read my mind once again!

The New Super Bowl Shuffle

Okay, it happened. I can't believe it, but my Colts won the Super Bowl!

My team (of any sport, any level), hasn't won anything since 1987--Indiana University's last basketball championship. I guess technically, IU won something like 4 men's soccer championships while I was a student there, but come on, I said SPORTS.

I don't know how to feel. The euphoria isn't there. I took the obligatory pictures of myself in front of the television with the final score posted right after the game. I accepted the congratulations from friends and co-workers here in New York (everyone went out of their way to do this since they all know I'm from Indianapolis and therefore must have had something to do with the victory). Yet I feel empty.

I realize why. I'm not a live-vicarious kind of guy. I don't want to watch my teams win; I want to win it myself. I want to be the big gamer. I want to be the one who works hard and achieves greatness. Instead I'm a nacho eater. A party goer. A fan.

That's the difference between sports and comedy. I'll never be anything more than a fan in sports. In comedy, I'm a player. I love, respect, and admire those who came before me, but I fully expect to meet them on that plane.

Maybe someday I'll get to meet the President--any president--because I'm the Super Bowl champion of comedy.

Just a raisin? It's more family than you are.

A raisin is more than a dried grape, it’s a friend.

Let me tell you about some of the attributes and healing properties of the raisin.

1. It cures cancer. Bam, that’s enough right there, and we’re only on number one.
2. It heals verbal wounds. Don’t believe me? Stick one of those pure sweet babies in a word gash your stupid ugly boss left. It’s better than aloe.
3. It fixes broken families. Your mom and dad got a divorce? Give them some of that sun dried goodness. You’ll go from Kramer vs. Kramer, to a bunch of Brady raisin fun.
4. They bring back the dead. Wonder what the world would be like if Lincoln lived? Let’s find out, because raisins are also better than a Lazarus Resurrection Chamber! (You don’t know about those yet, because they’re 5000 years in the future. How do I know? Raisins let me time-travel, that’s how).

I could have listed all day, but why bother? If now, after all of these compelling arguments, the raisin isn’t your best friend, ask yourself this question: Why am I so stupid?

*NOTE: None of these things have been tested by actual science, but I figure they must be true because raisins taste so good.