Just a raisin? It's more family than you are.

A raisin is more than a dried grape, it’s a friend.

Let me tell you about some of the attributes and healing properties of the raisin.

1. It cures cancer. Bam, that’s enough right there, and we’re only on number one.
2. It heals verbal wounds. Don’t believe me? Stick one of those pure sweet babies in a word gash your stupid ugly boss left. It’s better than aloe.
3. It fixes broken families. Your mom and dad got a divorce? Give them some of that sun dried goodness. You’ll go from Kramer vs. Kramer, to a bunch of Brady raisin fun.
4. They bring back the dead. Wonder what the world would be like if Lincoln lived? Let’s find out, because raisins are also better than a Lazarus Resurrection Chamber! (You don’t know about those yet, because they’re 5000 years in the future. How do I know? Raisins let me time-travel, that’s how).

I could have listed all day, but why bother? If now, after all of these compelling arguments, the raisin isn’t your best friend, ask yourself this question: Why am I so stupid?

*NOTE: None of these things have been tested by actual science, but I figure they must be true because raisins taste so good.