George Bailey's Prayer from "It's a Wonderful Life"

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Mistaken Identity

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Scooter Boys:

Harold Camping: Ruptured

This past weekend the Rapture was supposed to have come. Instead, it was just another Saturday. No rapture... except for Macho Man Randy Savage. That's how awesome he was; Macho was the only person God decided to suck up to Heaven.

Right before doomsday I read this, "No one knows about that day or hour..." -Jesus. So in other words there was a slight chance the rapture might not happen May 21st at 6pm.
What's the point of being Christian if you're just going to make up stuff and ignore what Jesus said? Oh, I know! MONEY! Yeah, the guy that has predicted the end of the world several times, to no avail, is making money off of his predictions!

I wish I could feel sorry for the people that bought into his false message, but come on guys pay better attention to who you're following.
So Ol' Harold has now predicted that the world will end on October 21st. I guess that means that we get to post all of our missed apocalypse jokes on the 22nd.
Just a tip, this time around don't sell everything you own and give it to Ol' Harold. If it is the Rapture, he won't need it either.

Ohhh, that's what happened to you...

Seriously, this is the mascot for Saint Mary's:



Isn't that the guy from White Lion? So that's what happens when Hair Bands die, the members become college mascots or Reality TV "stars."

Was this EVER cool?:


PS. for a really poignant moment of the day, stare at that mascot pic while the music video plays.

Max!

We adopted a English Bulldog on Sunday.

I now realize we have welcomed a homeless man into our house.

Evidence:

1) He smells terrible. No, not a typical "oh I just got a whiff of something pee-pee like" bum... we're talking clear the subway car, I'm going to throw up, seriously my nostrils are burning boxcar hobo. You know the kind: a crowded train comes by and then a glimmer of hope, a car with almost nobody in it and tons of seats. You step on, and a sledgehammer of stink slams you in your olfactory nerve.

2) Just hanging out on a Park Bench


3) He just hangs out and sleeps all day. He's got no job, he pees on the sidewalk, and I'm pretty sure he'd eat garbage if I let him.

4) Sleeping on a cardboard box (so cliche)

YES... ZUBAZ!

Seriously, they're back... check out these puppies! That's right boys and girls, Zubaz are back with a vengeance.

When I was in 6th grade, these were THE coolest pants to have. I can't stress to you enough how awesome I thought these pants would make me. You needed two things to be cool at age 12 in 1992, a pair of Jordans and a pair of Zubaz. Luckily for me, my parents felt it would be more appropriate to get me shoes at payless and buy me purple biker shorts.
This is the only image on the internet of a man wearing these. On second look, I'm not even sure that it's a man. Those don't look good on anybody. On a little fat boy it's just disturbing. He's standing near classic muscle cars while wearing a helmet to show you how rad he/she/shim is!


So now's my second chance. I can get those Jordans and Zubaz I always wanted and FINALLY be cool! If I do it will you be my Facebook friend?

After you watch this video, you'll know what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Yes, I'm a Colts fan!

I'm a Colts fan because I'm from Indianapolis. I moved there the same year the Colts did--1984. I was 4 years old. I lived the next 21 years in Indiana. I cheered for that team threw the thin years (you know basically all of them up until Peyton Manning was drafted in 1998). The Colts were truly terrible. Here's a list of my favorite players through the years:

1988-1989 Eric Dickerson (by default-I was pretty young, so he's the only player's name I knew)

1990-1992 Jeff George (he was from Indianapolis, and went to Warren Central H.S.--the same high school I would graduate from years later)

1992-1993 Steve Emtman (he was really good for that year and a half)

1994-1998 Marshall Faulk (quite possibly one of the best players in the history of the NFL--too bad he got traded after only 5 seasons. Yep, he won a Super Bowl and league MVP... IN ST. LOUIS!)

1998-present Peyton Manning (I don't even need to explain)

Last night was a hard pill to swallow. I wish there was a penalty or missed call or bad play or something, ANYTHING to blame. There isn't. Just got beat. It's like knowing the jock got the pretty girl just because he was better.

By the way, The Saints didn't deserve to win because of Katrina. I'm pretty sure 99% of New Orleans residents would pick losing the Super Bowl is it meant NOT living through that. The Patriots didn't win in 2002 because they have a "Super-American name".

I've been a fan through all those years, and I'll continue to be until my dying breath!
Memory Lane:



Yep, that was the #1 pick in 1992. Too bad the only highlight reel he had was in COLLEGE!

The Late Night Wars II

Jay Leno is going back to The Tonight Show. Sorry Jay, but you're in a gotsta go situation. I stick up for comedians every chance I get, but not if they're being a jerk. I know you loved having The Tonight Show, but you can't take it back and still be loved.
I wanted The Jay Leno Show to work, not because I like the show, but because it was just another platform for comedians to gain exposure. Parts were good, others were beyond terrible (I'm talking to you 10 at 10).
I don't think Jay should retire, but move on. You should create something fresh and new for yourself at another network (It's not going to happen, but it should).

And for you Conan, you will be missed... until September. Well all you can do now is move on and make a superior product to what NBC will be throwing out there. Don't mess this up, because right now you have public support on your side. Letterman made the mistake of being soft when he first went to CBS. Keep your edge.

The big winner right now is David Letterman. He's snappy, fresh, relevant, and biting. Right now The Late Show is at it's peak, and Letterman is at his best--AT 62 YEARS OLD! He may not be a good man, but he's a GREAT host. If he had been this sharp the whole time, he would have never lost the ratings war to Leno. He not trying to please others, and in turn he's killing.

The future winner is Jimmy Fallon. He's going to end up with The Tonight Show after Leno has an on-air death due to heart failure in 5 years. Now I just need to get good enough that I can take over Late Night!

Jokes (as protest, I won't be using the term "Headlines" anymore):

A father just named his son "J.E.T.S." he tried to explain, but all the doctor could hear was “I’m a nut bag.”

Conan O'Brien left The Tonight Show saying, "I believe in opportunities. Now Jay has the opportunity to fulfill his dream of screwing it up for a second time."

David Letterman's take on the Late Night Wars II: "Finally a scandal that doesn't include me or my sex life!"

Jay Leno has decided to return to The Tonight Show for one very important reason: money to buy more cars.

Video:



Who is your favorite talk-show host?

I ate Christmas

I ate a Christmas bulb ornament. No not this year! When I was 4. I was young but I wasn't stupid. I knew it wasn't a real apple, but I still thought it would be a good idea to take a bite out of it. I was using my imagination, however glass doesn't play pretend.
I calmly told my parents, "Father, Mother, I seem to have a shard of glass in my gums. Wouldn't you be so kind as to take me to the hospital."
Well like any set good hysterical parents they burned rubber to the local emergency room. Even though this was 1983 rual Missouri, the medical community was surprisingly slow. While waiting I finally got the glass out with my tongue. So in way I gave my dad what any parent wants, a big medical bill for absolutely no reason.
And because of this incident, our trees were shockingly bare for the first 4 feet and my dad still would only let me use a preschool train set when I was in Junior High.
Ah, warm Christmas memories.

Gotta love this video:


Next: How to ring in the New Year. How did you do it this year? Have a favorite one?

My apologies!

How time can get away from you when you're busy!
It's been a little over a month since I last wrote an entry.
I'll make up for it by posting my Green Jokes rejected by Letterman.
1. Republicans have gained unfair criticism for being anti-environment considering they’ve been running their party on wind for years.
2. On the heals of “An Inconvenient Truth,” Al Gore has just released “Our Choice” urging the public to make radical changes for the environment cautioning, “if we don’t change now, I’ll release another book.”
3. America finally got a wake up call about Global Warming this week when it was announce the Coca-Cola polar bear drowned due to ice cap melting.
4. Due to melting ice caps, Santa has been forced to move his workshop operations to India.
5. Climate change has wreaked havoc across the globe the past decade with a dramatic increase in temperatures, vast death of wild life, and increased frequency and destructive power of tropical storms. But on the plus side, Milwaukee is almost bearable in November.
6. Climate change has caused an increase in migratory wildlife patterns, causing some predatory animals to seek refuge in territories they don’t belong. In a related story, Sarah Palin has left Alaska to embark on her lower 48 book tour beginning Nov. 18.
7. With dozens of new green cars coming out ever year, the green initiative has found scores of new was for guys to not get dates. Once you go green, you’ll never be seen.
8. Hollywood is often ahead of the curve on environment affairs: Ms. Piggy went green years ago.
9. Biofuels are getting some criticism for harming the world’s corn supply. Luckily a new biofuel is being made out of a food supply nobody will miss: White Castle.
10. Al Gore decided to go with “Our Choice” as his next book rather than his original idea, “Livin’ La Vida Loca.”
11. California continues to lead the way in Green technology. In fact, Joan Rivers now runs on biofuel.
12. If the world wants to get rid of some green house gasses, I suggest we get my dad to stop ordering Dominos.
13. Trucking companies have been slow to adopt clean energy. Not surprising since they have been slow to adopt clean truckers.
14. Jay Leno is a big proponent of green cars, which is ironic considering his car collection accounts for nearly half of US emissions.
15. Beer makers are now able to recover nearly 50% of energy cost from leftovers. This is great news for Mel Gibson.
16. KFC has gone green; they’ve chosen to combine all their food into one slop bowl. Trust me, that’s turned a lot of people green.
17. China has declared that they will be leading the world in green energy. I don’t know about you, but when I think green, I think China.
18. Just to be clear China’s green world pledge excludes anything in their products that could kill your kids or pets.
19. A new study shows that Hillbillies are the greenest people; no electricity usage and their restroom is a bush.
20. Many big corporations are now going green. GM and Chrysler are doing their part by making sure none of their cars are on the road.
And in the spirit of Christmas:

Next time: It's Christmas story time! Got one of your own?

Office Farts

It never fails, every time I've farted in an office situation a female co-worker decides that's the appropriate moment to ask me a long winded (no pun intended) question. I had been sitting at my desk without one person talking to me ALL DAY, I finally rip one and then this gal decides it's time to talk to me about the new Avatar trailer. I couldn't care less about the trailer even if I wasn't surrounded by a green cloud.
I call this the Gaseous Murphy's Law. If something bad can happen in my pants, it will and everyone will catch me.

Any stories yourself?

Some recent headlines:

Balloon Boy was a popular costume this Halloween. Interestingly, the Heene's dressed as a NORMAL family.

Adam Lambert and his boyfriend have split up. Of course this means a new reality show staring Lambert and Gosselin: Kate Plus Dead-weight.

Jay Leno says he'd return to The Tonight Show if NBC asked. Hey Jay, no one's asking!


Today's Video-Exercise isn't always worth it:



Next time: Best Holidays. What's your favorite? Leave in the comment section below.

The Wedgie Story

Sorry readers (or should I say "reader") for the long delay in writing. It got kinda busy around here on the comedy scene. Lots of shows (check one out if you haven't been to one in awhile or ever). Besides my normal bookings I started hosting a new show in Harlem as well as the return of The Living Room in Brooklyn.

Okay, now the wedgie story:

I had a nemesis in elementary school. His name is Justin. He was the popular cool kid. He didn't like nerds or fat kids and I was both. From Kindergarten on he was always nasty to me--always trying to make me feel like I wasn't worthy of breathing the same air as his highness.
We did our best to stay away from each other. He didn't go out of his way to pick on me, that would mean he'd have to acknowledge my existence, but he made his feelings well known when able.
This changed in 6th grade. We both had a mutual friend for once, Ben. Ben was one of those free spirits who'd be friends with anybody. He was a cool kid but didn't care if you were or not. He just wanted to have fun. He and his brothers were the wild boys and they lived a couple doors down from Justin and therefore they hung out a lot. Ben had befriended me, so we played together a few days a week. For the first time out of our seven years together, Justin and I were forced into the same social situations. At first he didn't hide his disdain for me, but after awhile he eased up a bit. If Ben liked me, well then maybe I wasn't a complete dork.
Oh if only that could have lasted.
I finally had gotten to the point where Justin and I could have a discussion. Sure it usually consisted of him giving his opinion on Michael Jordan or Ken Griffy Jr., me giving mine, and then scoffing and acting like I was a moron. But it was a start--things were moving in the right direction.
Then on a fateful Saturday afternoon we were all playing freeze-tag. We played for an hour or s0--just long enough to get bored with it. Then a wrestling match began, because that's what boys do when they get bored with freeze-tag. Now when boys wrestle it often turns into gang up on the fat kid and do something embarrassing to him. This time it was wedgie day. As Justin, Ben, and the other wild boys teamed up on me, pinned me down, and yanked my underwear to the moon I heard loud screeches of laughter. I knew wedgie laughter, trust me any fat kid who's gone through a day in gym class knows those laughs. This was different. Then the comment I will never forget, "He's wearing Big Foot Underoos!" My usual embarrassment gave way to utter horror. I was wearing Underoos with a picture of Big Foot, the monster truck. Underoos were a social death sentence in 4th grade, let alone 6th!
I don't remember what happened next. I think I blacked out and have repressed the memories of the events immediately following the wedgie. I do however know the consequences. Justin never spoke a word to me again--not even a word of hate. I ceased to exist. If I was in a room he looked through me like a pane of glass. All the way through High School not one more word, even to this day.
I don't know what happened to Justin, Facebook and Myspace haven't provided much. All I can hope for is that some day he comes to a show and when he does I'll say, "Hey I'm still wearing the Big Foot Underoos--it's called being a hipster, I was just ahead of my time."


Okay, I saw these guys on Sunday:


Next: We'll talk about office farts. Got any stories?

Batman pt. 2

It's 3rd grade and I desperately want to be cool and fit in. I'm a chubby kid ("husky" as they say in 1989). Spencer is the star of the class. He's one of those kids that hit puberty way too early. A foot taller than everyone; starts shaving at 10. He looked like Magnum P.I. in third grade!
Spencer frequently brings in music that no of us are supposed to listen to. 2 Live Crew is his choice of the day. He's passing around the tape and mentions how he wishes he had the Batman Soundtrack. All the other guys agree in unison! And then I say it, "I have the Batman tape." What did I just say? I see respect in everyone's eyes for the first time as they turn to me with envy. And then the fateful phrase uttered from Spencer's caveman lips, "Bring it in." "Oh sure, sure. Maybe next week," I say. "Tomorrow."
What else am I supposed to do--I bring it in the next day.
Now I wasn't a stupid kid, just a bit naive. To me, a Batman tape with a cool Batman song and an actor voicing the words to an attached comic book was the coolest thing. To a kid that was throwing around 2 Live Crew and Guns N' Roses, that was lamer than bringing in a signed autograph from Mr. Belvedere.
The disappointment on their faces was evident. The worst part though was how Spencer just dismissed me from then on. I'd never be cool in his eyes.
Flash forward 20 years--he's in jail now, and I just bought the Batman Soundtrack a week ago. Suck it Spencer--I am cool!

Couple Headlines:

Rick Pitino rebuked the media for being "irresponsible." Yeah, the media's not responsible like you were when you cheated on your wife and paid for the woman's abortion.

Rick Pitino slammed the media. Guess he forgot that HE'S the sleazeball.

Madonna was booed on her tour for speaking out against Gypsy discrimination. At least it wasn't for her music this time.

Madonna's new cause is Gypsy discrimination? Are gypsies even real? I thought they were only in Grimm's fairy tales.

Thank goodness Madonna speaking out for a noble cause like Gypsy hatred. Think she'll adopt one now?

If I owned this in 1989 I'd have been cool?:

Prince - Batdance
Uploaded by val6210 - See the latest featured music videos.

Next time: The wedgie story or the office fart. Which story would you like to hear? Leave your pick in the comments!

I'm Batman!

Part 1:
The year is 1989. I am in 3rd grade and Batman is THE COOLEST thing that has ever existed. I have the toys! I have the comics! I have the shirt! I even have the cereal! But something is missing, the soundtrack!
My mom often took me with her on trips to the store. Groceries were a weekly occurrence, every Friday to Cub Foods. About once a week we would stop by Big & Small Lots, F&M Drugstore, and Phar-mor.
(By the way, Cub, F&M, and Phar-mor are all extinct, and Big Lots dropped the "& small" from the name. Even the strip mall, Eastgate Consumer, in Indianapolis is dead an gone. Time to feel old?)
On one of these trips, I noticed a glimmer in the cassette tape section--yes, it was Batman! I had to have it! I beg my mother to please, please, PLEASE let me have it. She sees it is from Prince, and being the good Christian mother she is, I am denied. Instead I am given the Batman read-a-long comic book with it's own cassette tape. I see no difference. A Batman tape is a Batman tape. At least that's what I thought...

Now for a few headlines:

Brett Favre has decided to sign with the Vikings. He's out to break the record for most retirements in one season.

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has joined Dancing with the Stars. He's there to revitalize the spirit of the repressed Republican townspeople and get Rock 'n Roll back in time for the prom!

Paula Abdul is rethinking a return to American Idol. Who does she think she is, Brett Favre?

This is the only Batman movie my mom wanted me see:




Batman Soundtrack Part 2 tomorrow.

I love Thin Pig

I recently purchased Todd Glass' new album, "Thin Pig." I know a comedian strikes me when I laugh out loud uncontrollably and multiple times while riding on the subway. I even irritated my wife while listening to it on my iPod. I kept laughing while she was trying to do some work. That's like being in summer school and hearing the kids playing on the playground outside your classroom window.

Abbi said, "I like listening to comedy cds, but I find that a lot of contemporary comedians are visual, and it would be better to see them than hear the audience laugh at a face they're making. Mitch Hedberg made good listening albums."
Look at it this way, it's better to hear an ugly comedian than have to see them. Some comedians are more fun to watch than listen to, but sooo many make great albums. We're really in a bit of a Renaissance when it comes to comedy albums. The 80s and 90s had nowhere near the amount of albums the 60s, 70s, and today have.

Headlines are here to stay:

Eli Manning signed a new contract making him the highest paid player in the NFL. Unfortunetly all that money can't make his face look like a broke hill-billy.

Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol. In order to replace all of her wit, charm, and natural charisma the producers have decided to replace her with a block of cheddar cheese.

Jon and Kate returns, this time split up! Wow, seeing two overweight small town rubes return to the dating scene, sounds like they'll be filming exclusively at the Berks County Dairy Queen.

Anybody notice how "Jon and Kate" has dropped the "plus Eight" in all the promotional talk? Just like a real life divorce, the kids become irrelevant and the balding dad buys a motorcycle.

Here's a little taste of Todd Glass:



Next time: Batman was king when I was in 3rd grade! And I always wanted that soundtrack! Tomorrow we'll talk about this.

Return of the Vick

He's out of the klink. The debate is on--should he be allowed back in the NFL.
YES!!! Of course he should! He spent 2 years in prison, he paid his price. People want him punished? Yeah,that's what that prison term was. Suspend him from football? That's like grounding a kid after you gave him the spanking of his life... I think he got the message already. By the way, Donte Stallworth killed a HUMAN BEING and got 30 days in jail. Yeah, I said 30 DAYS! That tells you American hierarchy. Pit bull killing is worth 24X larger sentence than killing a Mexican immigrant. Maybe PETA should lay off protesting chicken wings for a weekend and picket a little bit of that inhumanity.

Headlines below:

Amy Winehouse has been accused of assault. Many experts doubt this, considering if Amy punched someone her crack-riddled hand would break.

Brad Pitt doesn't believe in God. Really Brad? You're rich, famous, good looking, having babies with Angilia Jolie and you DON'T believe in God? What hope do the rest of us have then?

Brad Pitt doesn't believe in God, but his agent does.

Ouch, how much money did he leave on the table?:



Tomorrow: I'm always excited to listen to new comedy CD's. Anybody else? I'm talking about Todd Glass tomorrow.

Childhood Dreams Come True...

I bid on LA Gear Michael Jackson.

I didn't win. But that's the great thing about being an adult, you can afford to make a couple childhood dreams come true. Usually what kids want, are pretty cheap. It's not Ferrieres and Prada bags that kids want. They want a pair of Jordan's or Star Wars villiage (at least I did).

That actually reminds me, when I was 5 years old, my mom melted my He-Man action figures in the dishwasher (they were dirty, that's why they were in there!). I was crushed. Ever since then, I've wanted to replace the collection. Anybody know where I can get a Moss-Man and Skinkor?

Abbi wrote, "I get nostalgic about the toys I used to play with and the food I used to eat as a kid."
Ahh, I still eat the food from when I was a kid: Fruity Pebbles, Pop-Tarts, Kentucky Fried Chicken... let's be honest, my mom didn't cook much.
As for the toys, buy yourself that Easy Bake Oven already! Why not? I'm getting those Rambo guns when I find them.

Droppin headlines:

Paula Abdul not coming back to American Idol. On the bright side, she was so doped up she didn't even know she was there in the first place.

What will American Idol do without Paula? Probably keep on producing a show that we can all look back on in 30 years and say, "What drugs were we on that made us think this was a good idea?"

And for old time's sake:




Tomorrow: Michael Vick is a free man. Should he return to the NFL? Leave your comments in today's post and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

No Country (Club) for Black Men

So a Philly country club decides it's okay to ban a group of black children in the year 2009? Does it surprise anyone? Probably, but more importantly is it racist? Yeah, of course it is.
For better or worse, it's America and people have the freedom to make their private club private, segregate, and ignorant. But the rest of us also have the right to call them out on it, and protest them.
These kids PAID to use the club. Honor your contract with them. Of course, honor had very little to do with your decision.
Abbi wrote, "We have already talked about it at great length, but I think the real tragedy is none of the kids had time to pee in the pool." Don't worry, old rich white folks are almost universally incontinent. That pool is already a bio-hazard.

Now on to headlines:
A couple with the same name that found each other on facebook are getting married. That's not news, it happens all the time--it's called Kentucky matrimony.

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews was secretly videotaped in her hotel room. John Madden is jealous over all her exposure.

Tyler Perry has decided to take the shunned kids from the Philly pool to Disney World. They all were excited until they heard that they'd have to watch "Madea goes to Jail" on the trip there.

When told Tyler Perry was taking them to Disney World and providing entertainment on the way there, the kids said, "Thanks, but no thanks. We'd rather go swim with the racists than watch 'House of Pain.'"

This used to be considered cool:



Tomorrow: Are you a nostalgic person? About what? Leave and I'll talk about it tomorrow.